Lady friends, please put down those YM, Seventeen and Cosmo mags and
allow me to give you some valuable boy-snagging advice for the coming months.
Bisexuality in females is the cool new fashion trend!
It has come to my attention that today’s young women are desperately
and unhappily short of snares, tricks and other wiles for catching the masculine
objects of their desire. Apparently, the slip dresses, midriff-exposing
tops and carefree-looking short print skirts just aren’t getting guys’ attentions.
Worse yet, being straightforward and just asking out the latest hottie you’re
interested in is, well, too simple for today’s independent girl, don’t you
think? You need a real edge in the ruff-‘n’-tumble, guy-grabbing, babe-bagging
arena going down at school this fall. Here’s the trick: When chatting innocently
with your prospective Romeo, just drop it into the conversation that you’re
curious about hooking up with another girl.
Go with me on this one. Have you watched a boy’s eyes light up at the
mention of two girls kissing? Has a boy ever asked you how you felt about
performing in a threesome? Have you noticed the frequency of “girl-on-girl”
pictorials in today’s adult magazines? If a prospective guy thinks you’re
also into other women, odds are, he’ll dig you more. How come? Is it because
he hopes one day you’ll ask a friend to join in on some bedroom frolicking?
Sure, it’s about as dumb as when guys watch a cat-fight, hoping the girls
will suddenly stop and kiss, but trust me, it works! Your cutie-pie will
be jumping at the chance to ask you out. This could be the best thing since
Here are some plain truths surrounding the issue: As every Lilith Fair
concert-goer knows, women are way more in touch with their nurturing, communicative
sides. Unlike boys, who don’t really hug and kiss and hold hands for fear
of being called gay, this kind of behaviour is natural for girls-totally
socially acceptable! It’s easy to take it, fake it, to the next level when
chasing the heart of your dream boy. His poor deluded imagination is the
fast track to you being noticed and asked out pronto! Who cares if you’re
more interested in playing his skin flute than tonguing your way into your
best friend Bonnie’s tuna town? He doesn’t have to find out! As we all know,
everything guys know about women could fit in a shoe box, and you’d still
have enough room left over in there for a pair of shoes!
Better still, girls can claim to be going through a “phase”
of sexual uncertainty that allows them to “try on” bisexuality
and then cast it off when they feel like it; a luxury boys don’t have. Hey,
you’re accessorising! Time to turn those hypocrisies and sexual prejudices
into advantages, girls!
You might have some brainy girlfriend start sweatin’ you on whether bisexuality,
like homosexuality, is a product of genetics or culture. Perhaps this new
trendy bisexuality means it’s more cultural, but who cares! Obviously, these
things don’t function in a vacuum. But leave that for the boys to figure
out! And don’t feel guilty-there are guys out there who would totally fake
like they were bisexual and pretend to be attracted to their friends if
they thought it would get them closer to getting laid. Too bad society’s
current climate of sexual politics doesn’t make this a really big asset
for guys today, like it does for women. Make the most of this opportunity!
It’s time to level the playing field.
Don’t worry: Trying on bisexuality as the new fall accessory won’t cause
you or your potential boyfriend any emotional suffering or confusion. Even
if it does, it won’t be any worse than when you saved up a month’s allowance
to buy that new skirt that was out of style in four months, or slept with
your friend’s boyfriend because you wanted some attention, or when you risked
anorexia to fit into that Kate Moss outfit, or even when you got punched
in the mouth by that cow who took your place in line at the Backstreet Boys
autograph session. Hey, being a young woman today is tough! Happy hunting
girls, and good luck!