I will be your king

By Collin Gallant

I awoke in a half-crazed, half-calm flurry of brain activity. The ideas
were coming fast, but relaxed. I imagine it’s what Johnny Mnemonic felt
like. It was almost as if I was ordering a pint at the local watering hole
instead of cracking the shell on the hard-boiledest egg of a good idea man
has yet to know.

I want to be your mayor.

I’ve done everything against this fair city from bad mouthing the World
Police and Fire Games to calling Calgary a "City of Swine." Well,
dear reader, those days are over.

It doesn’t take a rocket surgeon to figure out that one man cannot beat
a system.

I heard the message loud and clear.

I’m not kidding. I love you. I do.

I love your bustling new communities full of their Twilight-Zone-conformist
charm. Who needs more than three colors in a whole sub-division?

My platform:


"Shouldn’t Calgary have a crime fighting hydro-foil?" ­ cg

Our criminals can compete on a world-class basis. That said we must stomp
out crime like a boot crushing a human face. Yet, at the same time, why
should we have to pay more for it? I propose user fees for 911 calls. Those
affected by crime will finally pay their fair share. I think we all know
which communities I mean.

Through my system, people who live in safe communities (ones in which hordes
of teenagers do not riot in the streets hitting old people over the head
with hammers, high on crack) will not have to pay for the cost of keeping
a police force.

This will also decrease crime. How, you ask? If a person wants to keep his
property taxes low he will take matters into his own hands. My plan will
save money and free up officers to crack down on skateboarders and allow
police to more effectively chase gay people out of North Glenmore park with
the Crime-copter.

Civic pride

"Calgary is the greatest city on Earth! And I’ll fight anyone who says
otherwise."­ cg

I will repaint the Calgary Tower. How can we have civic pride while this
architectural marvel is covered in those drab colors from the 1960s? This
is 1998. The millennium is coming. We need colors for a new millennium;
pink shaft, big purple head.

Calgary can put on a show, I tell you. I, as your mayor, will have a standing
bid committee. It will bid on everything. We should get Wimbledon.


"We live in the richest per capita city in North America. Resources
are plentiful."­ cg

Teachers, nurses, and emergency workers should not only have a freeze placed
on their wages, but their wages should be drastically scaled back. Maybe
they’ll be forced to look for work in private schools, private hospitals
and private 911 companies. Those who stay in the public sector should not
be paid anything. Their reward will come in heaven.


"I drive to work like everyone else. Why shouldn’t I be able to?"­

People have suggested a car-pool lane. This would be similar to what they
have on major freeways in other cities. This is also communism, pure and
simple. What’s next? Wifeswapping?!

I enjoy being an individual like many other people in individual cars. What
if you want to turn left? What then? Huh? Chaos. Godless chaos.


"Business loves Calgary and so do I. How much more compatible can you
get?"­ cg

Many head offices have moved to Calgary. Good for them. Way to get on the
winning team. At the same time, undesirables come to town.

I propose 100 foot high city walls like they had in ancient Greece. Controlled
immigration would solve a lot of our problems. NewÞes stay out. Productive,
"correct" thinking members of society stay in. Controlled growth
is necessary and I’m willing to make the hard decisions.


"I have lots of good ideas that don’t fall into any category."­

The fluoride debate rages on, as it has for 20 years. Fluoride does one
of two things; it promotes healthy teeth, or, it causes juvenile delinquency.
Who knows if we’ll ever know which is true? A referendum every week is the
only answer.

I will not have my street cleared of snow until every other street in Calgary
is clear. If worst comes to worst, I’ll do your street myself.

Collin Gallant can be reached at ccgallan@ucalgary.ca

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