The schtick and the crown

By Еvan Osentоn

"Hi. How’s everyone doing tonight? Good… ’cause you look awful. Ha ha… ha… all right, that was bad. The man in the front gave me that one. Boo him instead. Yeah, so I’m watching TV the other night, you know, trying to see if there’s any Princess Di plates for my collection… that’s a joke, folks. Jeez… gonna be a tough crowd tonight, I can tell.

"What’s the deal with the Princess Di anyhow? Was it her looks? The way she saved Will from a lifetime of ear and bigamy jokes? Or maybe it’s cause she really lived up to her name… you know, her name?… Die? Oh, forget it. Before I make too much fun of the monarchy, any of you folks from England?… In the back? Good-I’ll talk slower. Anyway… you know, it’s ok to laugh, folks. Jeez…

"Anyhow, I’m watching TV and I can’t find the home shopping channel, so I start flipping. Wives… you know what I’m talking about. Anyhow, get this -every channel’s got that royal wedding on. Yeah, another royal wedding. With Prince Charming and some Diana look-alike. I tell you, the Royals sure didn’t learn from the last one. Speaking of which, Charles is so ugly the doctors slapped the queen when she shot him out of the royal womb he’s so ugly, when the Queen first saw him, her teeth straightened… ha ha… uh… jeez, better pull out the big guns.

"So all this monarchy stuff’s got me thinking-what do we still need the monarchy for anyway? Canada doesn’t need the queen anymore. Listen to this.

"The Queen doesn’t even live in Canada. She’s never listened to Buffy St. Marie… made love in a canoe… shopped at Eaton’s… of course, none of us have ever done those things, so maybe we’re all foreigners. Ha ha, a little Eaton’s humor for you there. No seriously, I’d be all in favor of a Canadian monarchy, but I don’t want any more outsiders ruling Canada. Unless… they’re great at basketball. But seriously, I know some people say the Queen’s just a figurehead, but it’s the principle of the thing. It’s humiliating. Hey, Australia got rid of her. And of course, we all know how smart they are…

"Hoo boy… the other thing folks, the Queen only speaks for the English people in Canada-you know, those limeys who couldn’t hack it in Jolly ‘ol and came out here. What about the quarter of Canada that is French? You ever thought maybe they wouldn’t want to leave so badly if their fellow countrymen weren’t pledging allegiance to a foreign and not-so-long-ago-enemy state? Ditch the queen-instant national unity. The only catch is the Frenchies have to ditch Celine Dion too… Oh… sorry. Didn’t know there were so many Celine fans here. Thought you’d all be out buying cats, stretchy pants and Danielle Steele novels… Oh, c’mon! I thought that was funny.

"Folks, Canada promotes itself as a lot of things-a great place for underage Yanks to buy liquor and a multicultural haven. Not too many immigrants will be happy pledging allegiance to God, first of all, let alone the Queen. And what does this say about us, Canada, the true north, strong-ish and almost free?

"Anyhow, how much are we paying for these royal visits? No way the queen sleeps at a Holiday Inn. I don’t want to even know how much we have to cough up so the queen can tour our jam factories and unveil another plaque commemorating a sidewalk.

"Hey, back in the day a monarchy made sense folks. You needed that pomp and happy crap to keep your country legit, and in order. These are the ’90s man. Time to figure out what the Americans did, oh 200 years ago, and form a Republic. Colonialism is like George Burns; it’s dead, and only the old fogies want it back… Ouch. Not funny, eh. Seriously though, the monarchy had its day. All it’s good for now is sucking up our money and national dignity, and keeping the tabloids in biz.

"So, I guess all I want to say is it’s time to get rid of the monarchy in Canada and form a Republic. No more expensive walk-abouts, no more confusion about our national identity, more democracy, less inbreeding, better coins, and no more stupid Commonwealth games!"

"Anyhow, I’m here all week. You’ve been a great audience! Even you, sir. Don’t forget to tip your waitresses! Good night!"

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