Lies, damn funny lies

The following is completely false.

The University of Calgary Students’ Union stunned the transportation industry yesterday when it announced it was buying out Canadian Airlines International and moving its base to the university.

"We are pleased to announce that the SU has sent a proposal to Canadian Airlines," said SU President Rob South. "By buying the corporation and moving it to campus, it’s a wonderful opportunity for our organization to expand beyond merely serving students at ground level."

"A runway and hangers will be constructed to accommodate the venture," South added.

The move was prompted by the misconception that the SU already owns an airline, spurred by new space in MacEwan Student Center that resembles an airport terminal. The space, located by the bank machines and florist, was a common cause of confusion.

"We had all these people sitting in the area looking out the window for airplanes, so we thought, ‘what the heck?’" said South.

Many students were surprised by the move.

"You mean we don’t already have an airline?" asked fourth-year History major Michael Powers. "What’s the point of building a terminal if you don’t have any planes? No wonder I never see any when I sit there!"

Neither side disclosed the amount involved, which was taken from Special Motions funding, a contingency fund used to cover unforeseen expenditures.

The U of C was not involved in the deal, though President Terry White did say the university and the SU have an operating agreement that reduces flight disruptions.

"Our main concern is the quality of education at this institution," he said. "We’ve regulated how the flights will be coming in and out of campus. They will be scheduled around class changes, and be banned during final exams."

The new airline, renamed CanSU Air, will be integrated into other SU services, with the MSC food court supplying food for flights

"Really, no one will notice the difference," South said. "I’m pretty sure some of the food in the food court originated from airlines anyway."

The SU also plans to use the carrier as a mode of transportation to the new MacEwan Hall expansion building.

"We’ve had trouble securing a decent interest rate to finance the project because we have to build on university land," said South. "But if we build a hovering facility in the air, off university land, we’ll be able to secure financing much easier."

South did not rule out the possibility of similar purchases.

"Yeah, we may buy a bus service or a rental car company," he said. "MSC is pretty sterile already, so I don’t think many people would notice if more space became terminal areas."

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