SU President admits to alien implant

By SLC News

Calgary– Recent activities at the University of Calgary have prompted Students’ Union President Rob South to deny allegations that point towards his involvement with academic affairs on campus.

"It’s a lie, whatever it is," South claimed. " I have nothing to do with anything academic whatsoever. I did not have relations with the master timetable."

South responded to reports of Teaching Excellence Awards that stated nominations opened early last week. In a statement this morning, he denied any knowledge of the awards.

"It’s like those freaking alien implants," said South. "Once you get one taken out, two more pop up."

Teaching Excellence Awards recognize outstanding achievement on the part of instructors. Students, alumni, and faculty can nominate instructors based on their commitment to academic excellence, enthusiasm, student outreach and fairness in marking.

Academic Commissioner, Nic Porco, said yesterday that nominating excellent profs is significantly less painful this year. "Nominations can be done in writing, or over the internet at the SU website," he said.

SU Vice president, Heather Clithroe, agreed. "We’re looking for a few good profs," she said. "If only one of them could do something about South’s incessant whining about alien implants. It’s not like we can actually see them, after all."

Clithroe and Porco both agreed that Teaching Excellence Awards may not be able to resolve the implant issue. "It’s just something that is out of our reach," said Porco. "Luckily, Teaching Excellence Awards are fast and easy to do."

Nominations close November 5.

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