We’ve got yer cows right here!

By Bo Rhodes

How are you? I am fine. It has recently come to my attention that you believe that all the cows on earth belong to you. This is good. You see, my city has a great dilemma on its hands and I believe that you will be the answer to our little… problem.

Our city–already the laughing stock of Canada with possibly the exception of Climax, Saskatchewan–is burdened with the nickname "Cowtown." Every year millions of outsiders come and visit our annual outdoor rodeo, the Calgary Stampede. Cowboys, chuckwagons and country music surround us during these 10 days of debauchery and mayhem. Although delightful to some, the event is generally seen as a black eye on the already-lacking cultural face of the city.

To make matters worse, hundreds of plastic bovines have appeared during the summer in several key locations. This atrocity has been compounded by the fact that these cows are garishly decorated and have been bestowed with names equally grotesque."Peek-a-moo," "Moovover," "Automoobile" and friends have infested our streets like a bad case of genital herpes.

The dishonour and shame they bring to our city cannot be expressed in words. Thousands leave daily and I feel this wave of migration will continue until all that is left are tumbleweeds and these accursed cattle.

The citizens of Calgary would benefit greatly from your expertise as cattle rustlers and I am sure you will be nicely compensated for any costs you will have to bear. Cattle, women and Levi’s jeans can all be yours if only you help us in this bleak and dismal time.

In closing, I realize you do not normally fly halfway around the world to perform services for cities or countries. I–we all–appreciate your assistance in our hour of need. Help us Masai. You’re our only hope.

Yours truly,
Bo Rhodes

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