Five Roads to redemption

By Lawrence Bailey

Get Rex a Girlfriend

Have you ever noticed how uppity and irritable Rex can be? Honestly, he could really use some companionship, or at the very least someone to share the load and give him a break.

We all have weeks where we’re overworked, tired or just don’t have it in us. Wouldn’t you love it if there was someone who could pick up your slack, giving you the opportunity to come out energized and refreshed, all the time, every time? I bet Rex would.

A female prehistoric cheerleader to share the load may be just what Rex needs. She could possibly begin by drawing from the font of enthusiasm that is the Student’s Union Riot Squad.

Put on a better show for the fans

Why would people want to come if you do nothing to draw them?

For the indoor sports, a little bit more fanfare when introducing our Dinos is a definite must. Dimming the lights and employing a mounted spotlight to escort them onto the floor would be a good idea. Anything, really, to draw attention to the fact that a.) the game is starting and b.) our players are exponentially more important than their visiting, soon-to-be-fallen foes. It would also be cool to have soccer games somewhere closer than Forest Lawn Athletic Park and women’s hockey games somewhere cosier than the Olympic Oval–which isn’t even a hockey facility.

Noise, or the lack thereof, is another problem. Why not install an air horn or sell small personal air horns to generate a hell of a lot more noise? More noise fires up the fans. Rowdy fans fire up the players. All these things combine to contribute to opponent intimidation.

This brings us to the most important aspect of it all: intimidation. In order to make the opponent feel threatened as they step onto the court, they need to feel trapped and overwhelmed. For that reason, all basketball home games should be played in the menacing Red Gym. When you can feel the breath of the fans on your back and deafening taunts render thought impossible, fear, folly and failure will follow.

Drink specials at Max’s

As the lone campus watering hole since The Den’s unfortunate passing (a moment of silence please), it is Max’s duty to quench the thirst of the “hordes” of uninspired Dinos fans. With pre-game and post-game drink specials the Jack Simpson Gymnasium can become part of an evening out, rather than a last resort for a spoiled soirĂ©e. If we could only achieve such a coup, Max’s could be a home for the Dinos. There could be more advertising and a greater involvement in the athletic community. Perhaps by posting updated team-by-team standings, recent scores and pertinent national rankings, awareness of the existence of our dominant and not-so-dominant athletes can be improved.

Think about it.

From 4:30-6:30 p.m. every Friday and Saturday evening, jugs of Canadian are $6.25 and hi-balls set you back a mere $2.50. You finish classes, meet up with some friends, grab some food and a few drinks and head for the game (admission = nada).

First you see Amanda Moppett and Alisa Marriott cram volleyballs down opponents throats before the “Kazakh Phenom” Denis Zhukov makes ’em pay for even thinking they could play with us. Following the victory it’s back to Max’s for more drink specials and mass celebration. In the very odd event of a Dinos loss, substitute “celebration” with “inebriation”.

In all honesty, there is no sporting culture on campus and that’s a shame. We are one of a dozen schools with at least half our teams ranked nationally on a consistent basis. By offering a place for fans to congregate and interact, a genuine community can be created. In schools across Canada (and especially below the 49th parallel), home-court advantage means something and sporting events can be rowdy, enjoyable affairs. All it takes is a little social lubricant.

The music. ‘Nuff said

The point of loud music at sporting events is inspiration. It gets the fans rowdy, the players fired up and the opposition shitting their pants at the sight of the stands full of half-crazed, half-pissed U of C students.

That, my friends, is the ideal.

Reality is a sadly different situation. The block rockin’ beats of The New Kids on the Block and Vanilla Ice belong deep in our collective shameful pasts, not blaring over the loud speaker during a Telus Mobility Time Out. You know you’re in trouble when the fans try not to make eye contact with opposing fans or players, fearing they’ll be mocked for the “musical” selections of our school. One can only imagine the kind of season the men’s basketball team would have had if only they weren’t repeatedly subjected to Kriss Kross and MC Hammer…

Get players to sing the national anthem

Regardless of the sporting event in Canada, the national anthem is an inaudible murmur rippling through the crowd. Apparently we’re afraid someone will hear us singing and think we’re no-talent hacks. To alleviate concerns and inhibitions, why not have a player sing the national anthem?

Imagine translating Chris Harris’ courtside enthusiasm into a stirring rendition of O Canada. Touching to say the least. In all honesty though, the few times that someone is actually leading the awkward masses in song, the pre-game tradition has a lot more meaning and value.

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