Bizarro Sports: Wrestlers solve campus problems

By Kris Kotarski

We’re back with another edition of Bizarro Sports. Important note: this is all made up! So to the wrestlers, the Whites, and anyone else involved, thanks in advance for playing along. We love you, and we couldn’t have done it without you.

– Gauntlet Sports Staff

Students at the University of Calgary were flabbergasted Mon. Feb. 26 when they came back to find the familiar faces from Campus Security gone, perhaps forever. Their shiny 4x4s stood untouched in the parking lot as the boys in blue packed it up and went home. The cause of the sudden disappearance is still unknown, though most suspect MacEwan Hall redevelopment to be the main culprit. Apparently, the Students’ Union forgot to pencil in a new space and left Campus Security homeless.

"Oops," said SU President Toby White. "I guess we fucked up."

By Tuesday afternoon local hoodlums started to take advantage of the situation. What first started as innocent indoor skateboarding quickly evolved into a riot. The Falafel Hut was held up at gunpoint and the offices of U of C president Dr. Terry White were stormed by crazy students clearly under the influence of falafel sauce.

Terry White was held hostage for two hours until he was heard to remark, "Uh… this is enough." He placed a call to Mitch Ostberg, Head Coach of the U of C wrestling team who quickly got the situation under control.

"The president needed us," said Ostberg. "We were quite glad to oblige. After all, how can we pass up a great opportunity to kick some butt?"

The wrestlers quickly moved in behind team captain Brad Neve and took care of the disturbance. Lightweight competitor Pat Yau was seen manhandling protester after protester until he was left standing alone in a pool of his opponent’s blood.

"Uh… that was good," said Terry White. "That youngster really took care of business."

"Pat had an outstanding day. His work ethic really came through in his effort," said Ostberg. "A few more riot bashings and he’ll be in tip top shape for nationals."

With Campus Security still on hiatus, the university is considering making this a permanent arrangement.

"That’s fine with us," said Ostberg. "The team could use the extra workouts. Besides, it’s about time this campus learned to respect their wrestling team."

The wrestlers will be in charge of security until further notice and that’s just fine with Terry White.

"Uh… that’s correct," said Dr. White at a press conference in the University Club where he was flanked by Yau and heavyweight Jeremy "Torpedo" Rudeck. "These fine young gentlemen will protect… uh… me and the campus."

There are, however, students who don’t like this new agreement.

"The wrestlers roughed me up in the hallway for no reason," said computer science major Ernie Astete. "I was just trying to get to class when two of them did the fireman’s carry on me. I guess Terry White was walking to get a coffee in MacHall and they cleared the hallway for him."

The wrestlers will not go with the traditional Campus Security name either.

"Uh… they’re like my personal… uh… A-Team," smirked Dr. White. "And they’re loyal only to… uh… me."

For now, the best piece of advice was offered by coach Ostberg.

"Everyone better stay out of their way," he remarked. "They’re highly trained and highly motivated. And until this resolves itself, they’re the law."

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