By Mary Chan
In a bold move that has animal rights and social activist groups up in arms, the Alberta government has implemented a controversial new strategy to deal with the “hordes of punks and thugs” that will descend on Kananaskis next year for the Group of Eight Summit.
"We simply don’t have enough police to handle the security concerns of the delegates," said Premier Ralph Klein. "So, the other night while I was shooting Jack [Daniel’s whiskey] with Mike Harris, we came up with the idea to train the grizzlies in K-country to attack protesters."
"They’re large and in charge," he added.
Klein has flown in a crack team of Russian specialists to train the bears in crowd control tactics. The team is headed by Zangief Konstantinov, a former wrestler who has trained grizzly bears in the past.
"In the former times, I train bears to crush democracy," he said. "Now I train bears to defend it. And after those anti-capitalist scum are defeated by my bears, they will weep for the safety of the gulag."
Protester Ernie Astete, spokesperson for Nuke Industrialized Korporate Establishment, vehemently opposed the measure for various reasons.
"They government is taking advantage of a natural resource for their own insidious gains," said Astete. "And they signed a contract with the grizzly bears before we could. Damn oil money," he grumbled.
Despite concerns expressed by animal rights groups, Konstantinov assured the press that his methods were sound and safe. His training will involve using SUVs to round up all the grizzlies in Alberta then plying the animals with vodka until they "submit."
"I feed vodka to bear. Black bear fall after one bottle, grizzly fall after two," he explained. "When bear pass out, I dress them in riot gear, and rest takes care of itself. It’s perfectly safe–it kept Polish in line for centuries."
Klein was not as positive.
"Who gives a shit about animal rights?" he slurred. "And who gives a shit about the protesters’ safety? And where do these Polishes live?"
"I love that oil money," he added extraneously. It was Konstantinov, however, who had the final word. Warning protesters not to mess with his bear army, Konstantinov began laughing manically, while rubbing Premier Klein’s formidable beer muscle, "for luck."
"You silly Americans ask, ‘who let the dogs out?’" he said, mid-rub. "You really should ask ‘who let the bears out?’"