Commies and Cola: A perfect fit

By Kris Kotarski

One thing is clear–the Olympics are heading to Beijing in 2008.

There will be fun and games for visiting athletes, beach volleyball in Tianamen Square and armies of state-sponsored hookers to entertain the International Olympic Committee.

That’s the pessimist’s view.

China will be encouraged by the Olympic spirit to change her long standing tradition of oppression. The people of Tibet will be set free, the communist oligarchs will give up their hold on power, and democracy will reign supreme.

That’s the optimist’s view.

Now here’s the truth: China and the Olympic Games deserve each other. The praetorian regime in the world’s most populous nation is a perfect match for the most corrupt and dishonest spectacle known to man. Instead of staging public executions, the Chinese government will dazzle with what will no doubt be the most lavish Olympics ever. No expense will be spared as China will do its best to show the world that they deserve the games. Germany did it in 1936. China will do it in 2008.

The fact that the Games went to China was a good business decision. As Beijing continues to court the capitalist governments of the West, the Olympics are a perfect way for the Nikes and Coca-Colas of the world to reach a new market.

The Olympics are no longer about sport. They’re a sick, gladiatorial charade of the human spirit. The people of the world turn on their television sets to witness one mutant–an American mutant–compete against his German counterpart. More often than not, the American will win and his nation will rejoice. More often than not, the praise and adulation should go to the teams of doctors who prepped the mutant to do so well. Through supplements, milkshakes and drugs (both legal and otherwise), team doctors manage to make their mutant better than all the other mutants and they win. The Americans have to most money. Their mutants win the most.

To further punctuate the spirit of the Olympic Games and the whore-like tendencies of the Chinese Government, Anna Kournikova should be the torch bearer. The lovely tennis star is a professional athlete with endorsement contracts coming out of her ass, and while she is still without a tournament win, she is no doubt the prototypical 21st century athlete. Perhaps the Chinese will allow Miss Kournikova to wear high heels which will further perfect her figure and make the Olympic Games that much more special.

The Olympics are a sham. The Chinese officials and the IOC are money grubbing fat cats with little conscience and little care for the Olympic ideals or basic human rights. The mutants will run faster than ever, jump higher than ever, and smile with their sick, steroid-induced jaws. I’ll still watch though. After all, it’s the Olympics and I can’t help but cheer for my mutants to beat the Americans.

Kris Kotarski can be reached at

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