Horoscopes By Clancy Russel and Phoenix Sidney

Ed. Note: Don’t forget to check the dates, so you read the right sign.

Aries (April 17-May 11)

You should be coming into some money, so ahead and get that plastic surgery you’ve been thinking about. Plus, it can only help when you become a fugitive after the weekend. Fake ID and a pair of bolt cutters wouldn’t hurt either.

Taurus (May 12-June 19)

Things look pretty good for Taurus, apart from the fact that your sign is named after a boring family sedan… but you already knew that. This week is a good time to look for work, especially since you’re about to get fired from your current job.

Gemini (June 20-July 18)

Uranus is booting it across your sign this week. Likewise, you should get your ass in gear and start studying. This may come at the expense of your frequent random sexual encounters, but it will all work out in the long run. Besides, you’ll get some two-on-one action on Sunday.

Cancer (July 19-Aug. 8)

It has nothing to do with the name of your sign, but it would be a good idea to remember to self-examine this month. Of course, it’s a good idea to self-examine every month, but this month especially so.

Leo (Aug. 9-Sep. 14)

Is it just you, or is it hot in here? Pheromones spew from your every pore this week, and everybody wants a piece of you. Unfortunately, they want to use knives and forks. Stay away from cutlery and cannibals, and you should be alright.

Virgo (Sept. 15-Oct. 28)

Still saving it? Don’t worry, it should be easy this week: nobody’s interested. In fact, you might as well be invisible until Tuesday, because nobody will notice you. While you won’t get the lead in Hamlet, your screen test for the X-men sequel will rock. ‘Nuff said.

Libra (Oct. 29-Nov. 20)

Your snow-mould allergy will cause problems this week. If not for the gas leak in your furnace, it would be a good idea not to go outside. As it is, your best bet is to stay with friends. Just make sure your friends aren’t vampires–that means checking for caskets, not just doing a garlic-test.

Scorpio (Nov. 21-Nov. 27)

You are an asshole. Even if we told you what to do about it, you wouldn’t listen. So go ahead and jaywalk this week. We dare you.

Ophiuchus (Nov. 28-Dec. 15)

Happy Birthday! Next year will be even worse than last year. Not to spoil the surprise, but your life will complete another spin on the downward spiral without love or respect from others. Even vermin won’t come over to your place.

Sagittarius (Dec. 16-Jan. 17)

You will be fine this week. It’s next week that you should really be worried about. You might want to make sure all your shots are up to date, and it would also be a good idea to have a solid alibi for Wednesday night. Oh, and don’t forget to stock up on non-perishable foods.

Capricorn (Jan. 18-Feb. 13)

All signs point to the fact that you should move out this week. In particular, the collection agency, building and health inspectors, and eviction notice are all strong indicators.

Aquarius (Feb. 14-Mar. 14)

Try to resist your cravings for English food this week. If you must give in, just limit yourself to fish and chips–nobody ever got foot and mouth disease from eating fish and chips.

Pisces (Mar. 15-Apr. 16)

You are one fucked-up individual, you know that? Get some professional help. Also, people are strongly attracted to you this week, and fall too quickly into relationships with you. Try to let them down easy, because most of them are even crazier than you.

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