DND to ferret out bin Laden, Taliban

By Kyle Young

With warnings from the Pentagon of a long and drawn out conflict with the Taliban, the Canadian military is devising alternative strategies to combat this new foe. In an attempt to think "outside the box," General Leon Pantaloux has put together a task force of the nation’s leading military minds, whose purpose is to devise a method of gaining the advantage in the rough terrain of Afghanistan.

Among the reported methods discussed, the following were believed to be the most promising and will be allocated the bulk of this project’s research and development budget.

The FLLF plan: Ferrets, Lots and Lots of Ferrets

These furry little creatures are ideal for burrowing in caves, and are widely feared when aggravated. It is also believed that whether or not these creatures can scare bin Laden out of hiding, the stench of so many of these animals would be enough to force the surrender of most of the cave dwelling population. Variations of this tactic include the more aggressive variations of BLLB (Badgers, Lots and Lots of Badgers) or WLLW (Wolverines, Lots and Lots of Wolverines).

The ALA plan: Annoying Leftist Activists

The ALA tactic involved changing the location of the Group of Eight summit to Kabul, and then arranging for all the heads of state to have head colds. As such, there would have been nothing but anarchists and protesters filling the streets of Kabul. This plan had two rather appealing aspects to it. Firstly, the Taliban would be forced to deal with this rather volatile bunch, and at the same time, if they did find a way of dealing with the problem, it would have saved the RCMP any trouble over security here at home and any G-8 summit in the future. Although the Taliban’s retreat from the Afghan capital led to the demise of this plan, DND oYcials have indicated that it may be resurrected if the Northern Alliance does not comply with UN rebuilding plans.

The TSK plan: Trojan Sea King

No, this plan doesn’t involve free condoms, but rather "forgetting" where we left our military equipment in hostile territory, and not giving it a second thought. In theory, the terrorists will hijack the equipment and suffer more casualties from mechanical failures than we would if we actually mounted an all-out land offensive. This plan is particularly attractive to the military as it leaves room for new–and hopefully operational–equipment in next year’s budget.

The AQU plan: Al-Qaeda Union

As we all know, nothing makes a system more bureaucratic and inefficient than a union. And so, in the hopes of crippling the al-Qaeda terrorist network, the AQU plan remarkably resistant to such efforts. If properly adapted, they could provide the crippling blow the allies need to emerge victorious in the months ahead, especially given the fact that wage and workplace safety negotiations would be carried out immediately after release.

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