Who wants to be a porno star?

By Phil Serchuk

With the ratings for Survivor: Africa at an all-time low, many new reality shows have been placed on the backburner. Production has been halted on many new reality TV shows originally slated to air in 2002/03. Reality series such as NBC’s "Home Alone: Real Kids, Real Homes" and Disney’s "Lost in the Magic Kingdom" have been cancelled in favour of series aimed more at the female demographic, such as Barbra Streisand’s new talk show, "Exploring the Kama Sutra."

Lost in the confusion was a promising new Fox reality show unofficially titled "Who Wants To Be A Porno Star." Luckily for you, the resourceful editors here at the Gauntlet have managed to acquire original video footage from the series. Though many Fox execs had to be wined-and-dined by our hard-working editorial staff, the effort was well worth the while.

In any reality series, the viewers must get to know the contestants before they can hate them, so the contestant profiles are printed below, followed by a recap of the filmed- in-Canada would-be Fox reality series "Who Wants To Be A Porno Star."

Real Name: Tony Conner

Porno Name: Trisha Toolless

Named as an All-American athlete for his outstanding basketball career while attending Backwood High in Boston, many years have passed since Tony’s days as a guard. After hearing about the tragic story of John Bobbit, he decided that the only way to truly show his solidarity and support would be to feel Bobbit’s pain, so to speak. Though he was used to intercourse on a thrice-a-week-plus-birthdays-and-holidays basis, he neglected to consider the effect his decision would have on his lifestyle. His sex addiction quickly kicked in, however, and within a few short weeks he was undergoing the operation which would transform him from Tony to Trisha. Trisha, who is still fairly addicted to sex, is currently touring junior high schools with her new sex education program "From Fucking To Faking: It Goes Both Ways."

Sexual Fantasy: "Co-starring with John Bobbit and Dennis Rodman."

Turn-Offs: "Scissors, strap-ons and knives."

Real Name: Karen Miller

Porno Name: Miss Naughty

Karen’s seven years experience as a high school science and music teacher are bound to pay off. School principal Hugh LaPierre speaks of Karen fondly.

"I remember the many occasions when I’d leave the school, only to see a lone light on–the light in her office. She spent so many hours there, lovingly tutoring some troubled youth with his biology, or perhaps with his instrument skills. We are overwhelmed year after year by the number of requests from the football team to be placed in her classes. She is truly an astounding instructor."

Sexual Fantasy: Due to possible legal and career consequences Mrs. Miller was unable to respond.

Turn-Offs: "Those kids who think they can run my class. I quickly show them who wears the pants in my classroom."

Real Name: Claire Martin

Porno Name: Catholic Claire

Claire received a proper Christian education at the prestigious St. Vincent de Paul Academy in Rome, but she still feels that she is doing God’s will by participating in this competition. As she stands firm in her religious beliefs against pre-marital sex, she will marry her co-star and only then engage in the "beautiful act of heterosexual procreation." She believes that God has given her this mission in an effort to set a good example for young Christian men and women to follow.

Sexual Fantasy: "A leather bible and a confessional."

Turn-Offs: "Those devil worshippers… Lord help them all."

Real Name: Keri Lewis

Porno Name: Sherri Swallows

Keri spent her teenage years being socialized by the likes of Britney Spears, N*Sync, and, of course, New Kids On The Block. Auditioning in an extra-extra-small wet "Oops I did it again!" T-shirt, she was almost guaranteed a spot on the show. Hoping to one day become Miss Wyoming in the Miss America pageant, Keri is an avid fan of both beauty competitions and community service. Keri enjoys volunteering her time by judging both the Little Miss Toddler pageant and the Annual Lolita U9 Beauty League Competition. She claims her nickname "swallows" was given to her after an incident at a high school dance, though she refuses to provide further details.

Sexual Fantasy: "Uhm… world peace?"

Turn-Offs: "Uhm… world peace?"

Real Name: Anita Frichter

Porno Name: Rough Roxanne

This foreign beauty comes to us straight from the Bavarian Alps. Weighing in at just over 200 lbs, Anita is not a contestant to be taken lightly. The first 12 years of her life were spent in preparation for her weightlifting career, which came to an abrupt halt after just six short months when she was found pregnant with her coach’s child. Anita claims to have learned from this experience, however, and now refuses to engage in "traditional" intercourse.

Sexual Fantasy: "A man, a sausage, and a quart of butter."

Turn-Offs: "Vegans, coaches, and teddy bears."

Real Name: Jon Gray

Porno Name: Kirk Wiggler

From the day he was born, Kirk Wiggler was nothing but trouble. After a barrage of prank phone calls nearly cost his mother her job as a corporate attorney, she ran away with one of her interns, never to be heard from again. The next 12 years of his life were spent alone with his father, a drunken womanizer. Though small in stature, Kirk became a master in the field of sexual slogans. Designed to increase his appeal to women despite his perceived proportionality, cliché phrases like "It’s not size that counts, it’s the motion of the ocean baby!" can be heard on an hourly basis. In addition to his unique vocabulary collection, Kirk also sports a massive pornography collection, possessing 64,121,938,120 unique images on his home computer.

Sexual Fantasy: "I’m living it baby! All I really need is a bomb shelter full of two-ply kleenex."

Turn-Offs: "People who don’t understand me. I’m a very deep and emotional person. Perhaps if someone took the time to consider that maybe my pornography addiction is just a desperate plea, I could finally get the professional help I need instead of turning into a social recluse. Those people turn me off. That, and the fact that they won’t sleep with me."

Real Name: Prince Richard Armund III

Porno Name: The Porno Star Formerly Known as Prince

A true blue blood, Prince Armund brings controversy and scandal to the world of pornography. Having fathered the love child of a palace custodian at the age of 13, his reputation for sexual deviance is widely known. When the prince was 15, several palace choirboys mysteriously disappeared, and allegations of sexual abuse began to surface. On his 17th birthday, he seduced his own mother, later killing his father, the king, for her love. After being left by his mother exactly two-years later, Prince Armund took an oath of celibacy and joined the clergy. As choirboys began disappearing and allegations once again surfaced, the church excommunicated the prince, forcing him to start work on his best-selling anthology, "Confessions of a Monarch: They Grow Up So Fast."

Sexual Fantasy: "All I’ve ever wanted is the family I never had: a mom, a dad and 2.3 kids."

Turn-Offs: "The hypocritical Catholic clergy that stabbed me in the back. We’ll see who’s laughing when the Church of Scientology becomes the state religion!"

Real Name: Billy Wright

Porno Name: Billy "Blanks"

Though he adopted the name Billy Blanks long before the reign of Tai-Bo, Billy now receives calls on a daily basis from women seeking his personalized instruction. Luckily for the horny women of Windsor, Ontario, he has seen all of the Tae-Bo videos and is always available for one-on-one instruction. Billy decided to start using the name "Blanks" after finding out about his botched circumcision, something his parents only revealed to him after years of very strange questioning about his sole testicle. Always honest and straightforward about his condition, many women steer clear of the gorgeous Billy, knowing that in a few short years their desire for children will supercede any feelings they may have for him. In his own words, "Porno is my only chance at a normal life!"

Sexual Fantasy: "Something like Honey Nut Cheerios–only without the milk and the nuts."

Turn-Offs: "Doctors and Rabbis."

Real Name: Joseph Brahm

Porno Name: Hungry Henry

Oh hungry? Oh Henry! Long before Hannibal Lecter captured our hearts in "Silence of the Lambs," Henry was busy taking a bite out of crime. A former L.A. police detective, Henry would routinely cannibalize minority prisoners being held overnight in the local jails. Ever since a corruption investigation exposed him seven years ago, Henry has been desperately searching for new career opportunities which match his tastes. Though he is somewhat worried about the effect films like "Hannibal" will have on public opinion, he still has hope that "the public will give me an unbiased look, and the chance to live out my fantasies on celluloid."

Sexual Fantasy: "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire."

Turn-Offs: "Smart people. Too much grey matter is gross, and just plain wrong."

Real Name: Bert & Ernie

Porno Name: Team Sesame

Bert and Ernie have been together for as long as they can remember. At just five months of age they were abandoned on the doorstep of the Browstofski family. The family took them in and raised them as their own. Their real names unknown, the Browstofskis called them "Bert" and "Ernie." As puberty struck our heroes, they began to feel a strong attraction towards one another. Though no DNA test has ever been done, the boys believe that even if they are related, "love is tougher than blood." After many years of a monogamous relationship, the couple has decided to begin experimenting with the opposite sex.

Sexual Fantasy: "Well we’ve always wanted to hook up with one of those she-males."

Turn-Offs: "Right-wing lunatics who keep preaching to us about how evil we are. It’s not incest if we don’t know."

Leave a comment