The latest, greatest anti-depressant

By Ruth Davenport

Last week, Gauntlet columnist Ruth Davenport analyzed the findings of a New York State University report on the psychological effects of exposure to semen on women. Despite our respect for Ms. Davenport’s critical abilities, we in the AP department arrived at a slightly different conclusion.

The study found that women exposed to semen are happier. Instead of screaming "oppression!" we say strike down another point for feminism. The sisters have been given yet another reason to celebrate when the study found that women directly exposed to semen are less prone to depression. Coincidentally, does this work for men too?

Either way, in a world constantly filled with graphic images of unattainable and unrealistic ideals of beauty that saturate the ambitions of young women, it’s a relief to see a natural anti-depressant with so many positive attributes.

Now women who seek to enjoy sex, free of repercussion, can do so content with the knowledge that even if the patriarchal pig they’re doing finishes first, women still get to enjoy the benefits of his mojo-Prozac. What could be better than that?

This represents the next great offensive in the War of the Sexes. The women just got a hand up, because as Sun-Tzu says, your enemy’s supplies are worth 20 of your own. Logically, this means we (men) can’t spare a single drop of that precious magic juice. But just try to tell men to say no to sex.

The forces of male-driven capitalism will finally turn on their progenitors as a market develops for different varieties of semen. Imagine all the possible flavours; Grain Fed, All-Beef, Vacuum-Extracted, Hand-Pumped–I hear Dr. Higgins even claims vegetarians taste better. Who wouldn’t smile at that?

Who knows, perhaps if we expanded the survey to include a legitimate number of survey participants we could even find which variety makes for the most effective happy-goo. Or maybe if we found a half-decent group of researchers we could get to the bottom of this and market a semen extract. We could start pushing a new line of shooters. Soon people everywhere will be asking for their favorite Cum Shot.

Ladies night at Cowboys will never be the same again.

Just think, the women of tomorrow now have hope that theirs will be a better world due to the findings of a small group of psychologists at New York State University.

Incidentally, I am a vegetarian.

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