Private places for private parts

By Darby Sawchuk

Having sex, bumping uglies, stocking the stink wallet, dipping the cone, hiding the love sausage, poking the whiskers, making nice-nice, doing the horizontal hokey-pokey, makin’ bacon, humping, copulating, making whoopee, getting laid, riding, shagging, fornicating, screwing, fucking. Whatever you call it, it usually amounts to inserting tab a into slot b.

You’re sitting in your afternoon class. The prof doesn’t seem to be saying anything particularly important. Your mind begins to wander. Eventually it comes to rest in a certain pleasure grove. The urge arrives. You can’t wait. When tab a absolutely, positively has to be in slot b on time, find a place on campus.

The first tip to finding a semi-secluded area on campus for your youthful mating rituals comes in the form of one simple word: stairwells. You would be surprised at how lazy students can be–they never take the stairs. Even if they did, they would rarely climb all the way to the roof or descent to classroom-free basements. Take the hike and then reward yourself for the arduous trek. Mmm… slanty lovin’.

If you are really paranoid about getting caught, simply join a club or organization where you can get an office and a key. Now you dictate the number of spectators. Believe me, the couch in every club office has seen more than its fair share of action. The Gauntlet couch itself is replaced every year or two due to various unmentionable, lustful activities. Why do you think so many people ran for Students’ Union positions last year? [Ed: The su is stupid and only two vps actually ran for positions in 2002.]

Other securable facilities available for coital activities include bathrooms. This is almost self-evident. If anyone happens to overhear you and starts asking questions, reply with a simple, "I’m checking for possums," and let them figure it out.

Don’t imagine for a moment that the handicapped washrooms are off-limits. These places are perfect, and a lot of people seem to know it. Notice how often couples emerge in flushed tandem after a long session behind the "occupied" light. The ones in old MacEwan Hall are particularly popular. But won’t you feel bad if someone really wants to use the place?

If you require a more romantic atmosphere to stimulate your love life, work your way up as a dj at cjsw. Set your mood lighting in the darkened booth, let Barry White croon over the airways and melt each others’ butter. Why else would Venus Flytrap always be so calm and cool?

If you’re feeling particularly exhibitionistic, many avenues await you, intrepid explorer. Find a security camera and give the watchman a treat. Try the Den on a Thursday night. You’ll easily find a willing partner (or two, or three…) and everyone will be too drunk to stop you. At a rowdy Ballroom gig, step into the mosh pit and do your own bumping and grinding. Don’t laugh–it’s happened on more than one occasion.

Sex on campus, however, is not all fun and games. Have a look at those yellow Campus Security alert posters. There’s always a guy masturbating in front of people then running away. Don’t give the "Mad Masturbator" any excuses to give himself any more jollies than he already does. If you’re going to do it on public transit, make sure you pay your fare. Slapping skin is no fun after being slapped with an $150 fine.

When making love Inuit style in the Oval, never let your privates come to contact with cold metal. Did you ever lick a steel pole when you were a kid? The adult equivalent is about a million times more unpleasant.

Don’t give into the temptation to show the world your bedroom prowess while on top of any buildings on campus. Campus 5-0 will be all over your ass (and other parts) before you even have the chance to unzip. I guess they like to keep the roofs clean for their own use.

I have one last warning that I can’t stress enough: Never, ever, under any circumstances whatsoever, no matter how lascivious you may be, do not have sex on the counter of Kobe Beef. Enough said.

When erectile tissue begins to harden, when flesh becomes engorged, when restraint fails you, follow your… nose to the nearest nook and satisfy your passion. Hopefully, you might now reach private parts before you reach for your private parts.

Leave a comment