A useful guide for the pragmatic student

By Еvan Osentоn

As a frosh, you’ll hear some scary lingo on campus. Fear not: The following guide will help it all make sense.

Academic Probation: Also known as the dean’s vacation, Academic Probation is what you will be considered "on" if your gpa drops below 1.70. Academic Probation (or "AP") is also the name of a section in the Gauntlet. Most Academic Probation editors in fact flirted with a 1.70 GPA during their term as AP editor. Ironic, yes?

Administration: A building. Also, more importantly, a group of mostly old white men in whose withered hands rests the future of your education. See also Harvey Weingarten.

All-nighters: All assignments, studying and papers done in the hours from sunset to sunrise. Do not attempt without a supply of caffeine pills. See Roosters.

Beer: As a university student, you are required to drink this piss-coloured liquid. Make sure it’s frosty cold, otherwise you might as well be drinking monkey pee.

Black Lounge: aka the Black Lung, it is now closed. It was a really filthy room on the second floor of old Mac Hall where smokers could indulge in their illicit habit without persecution. Now smokers will be forced outdoors. Look for this issue to heat up over the winter. Ken Clarke was the last person to smoke in the Lung.

Board of Governors: They like to sit around drinking whisky playing Twister. They also approve important decisions.

Bookstore: Since the university can only suck so much money out of you through tuition, the bookstore is there to get the rest. They also serve Starbucks coffee.

Caffeine: Other than beer, the most craved substance by university students. With it you’ll go far in life. Especially if you cheat.

CJSW: While they may look like a bunch of wild anarchists, they consistently put out a wide variety of music and talk programs. Kicking the asses of other wussy Calgary radio stations, it’s 90.9 fm.

Coffee: A brown bitter liquid, it’s helped students all over the world survive another day of hell. See Caffeine.

Copy Centre: A shiny nickel will get you cheap photocopies for those looking to save money on photocopying textbooks. Also check out the great assortment of old tests even though you have to pay.

Credit Cards: A contract with Satan. Sure, you might gain AirMiles, but your credit history will never recover.

Engineers: aka ‘Geers. They have more fun and drink more beer than you. Beware of them during Engineering Week when they take over the campus and drink more beer than they usually do. Also the most effective method of sex avoidance.

Expansion: A process, not a product. The new ballroom in the jaggedy part of Mac Hall will be done, soon. What’s another six years?

Freshman 15: Thanks to all the greasy dc food, rez dwellers will notice they don’t fit their cute Tommy Hilfiger jeans anymore because of the 15+ pounds they gained.

Gauntlet: The paper you’re holding in your sweaty little hands right now. Really, you should have read this elsewhere in this supplement by now, but the Gauntlet has been the official voice of U of C students for years. While the high-quality of our paper might suggest we’re elitist, the opposite is true. Anyone is welcome to come up to MSC 319 to volunteer. One day YOU might be the one writing boastful entries in the frosh supplement glossary.

Harvey Weingarten: This benevolent dictator replaced Terry White as the U of C President. Also likes research.

Info Commons: Located on the second floor of the MacKimmie Library Tower. When you do get a computer, it’s a great place to waste time on the Internet… and to write important term papers or actually do research.

Internet: It’s supposed to be a useful research tool, but really it’s just cool to say "Internet" a lot (e.g., "I copied that essay off the Internet last night", "My AOL Internet is better than yours"); it makes you look mod. (Ed. Note: plagiarism is bad.)

Italicization: Slanty letters occasionally pop up in the Gauntlet. Why do we do it? It denotes newspaper and magazine titles, films and album titles. Plus it gives us a warm gushy feeling inside.

Kinesiology: No matter what you call it, it’s still just phys. ed.

Kraft Dinner: Every culture has a staple food, sadly this radioactive orange gooeyness is yours. kd has come under fire recently for causing tapeworms.

Lectures: Apparently, they’re optional.

Lot 10: Crappy parking that’s dirt cheap yet miles and miles away from any building you need to be at.

Mac Hall: aka MacEwan Hall, MacEwan Student Centre; it’s a soulless, cold place. Filled with unhealthy food, su offices, bookstores, alcohol, and it will suck you in. See Expansion.

MagicTM: A role-playing card game practiced by the geeks you snubbed in high school. Their habitat is near the Chaplain’s office.

Money: A thing of the past.

NUTV: Look up to the monitors around MacEwan Hall to discover your friendly campus television station.

Parking: Don’t. Carpool, bike, take Calgary Transit, hitchhike, fly a broomstick. The U of C is out to get your money and they’ll charge you big bucks to park in a remote space.

Pepsi: Just another way to say shady backroom dealings. The university’s exclusivity deal gives Pepsi the right to sell non-alcoholic beverages on campus for the next eight years. U of C reportedly received to million for selling students out.

Prairie Chicken: The monstrous, gleaming mass of twisted metal in the middle of campus. Just because it has been here forever doesn’t mean it’s good.

Reading Week/Days: It’s rumoured reading weeks were started to prevent a student suicide epidemic due to high stress levels. Now it’s a an excuse to goof off in Mexico or "study" for upcoming exams.

Revolutionary Anarchist Kollektive: Also known as rak, they were the soccer hooligans of the student protest world. In previous tuition consultations, they embarrassed the student body, but seem to have been assimilated by pirg recently. In any case, they have lost most of their relevance.

Rez: Voted second best place to have sex just behind your roomate’s bed. These people are distinguished by permanent bedhead, floppys in winter and boxers and a robe during exams.

Roosters: A God-send for weary truckers and students. No need for a prescription but beware the strange questions.

Sex: The most effective method of study avoidance.

Six-year degree: Why set goals that you’re not going to meet? You’ll only give yourself unhealthy amounts of undue stress by trying to reach unattainable goals. With this no hassle degree, you can take your time. Your blood pressure will drop. There’s also the added bonus of being able to graduate at the same time as your children.

Ski Club: There is no need for a drinking club when you’ve got the Ski Club. Approximately five per cent of the members actually ski.

Sleep: A rare condition in 99.9 per cent of university students. Lack of sleep is characterized by glazed eyes, loss of bodily functions, insanity and seizures.

Slurpee Cup: A tournament run by cjsw in which local media, bands, bars, et cetera face off in a no-holds barred street hockey extravaganza with the proceeds going to charity. Every year, the A-Channel cheats.

Speaker’s Corner: Every Thursday, U of C students have the fine privilege of hearing propaganda from the right and left in Mac Hall. Also an excellent opportunity to deposit bodily or other fluids on people’s heads if you’re on the second floor.

Students’ Union: aka su, the student government only 21 per cent of students bother to vote for. In their downtime, they attempt to be proactive and liase with everyone and everything in a bid to make students’ lives better and brighter.

Three-year degree: Yeah, right…

Thursday Nights: aka Student Nights. While the best one at the Den died a sad death when they renovated and became a teeny-bopper dance club, they’re featured at bars and clubs all over the city. Think of it as your best opportunity to meet the opposite sex and get rejected.

TLFs: Your platform to vent about a smelly classmate or incompetent prof and write oh-so-clever bon mots about life for the world to see. Bring your little creation, complete with a piece of chocolate to Room in the ink-stained part of Mac Hall and you’ll be imortalized forever in newsprint. Opposite: Harmless banter.

Tuition: The hard-earned money you pay to attend this wonderful institution. In the past, the tuition hike was eight per cent. This year, it was a little lower, but five full-course equivalents will cost you around $4,500 which includes things like health and dental fees, su fees and a Campus Rec fee.

Tuition fight: Many moons ago, when most of you froshies were in High School, apathy was temporarily cured. Students protested, camped out and signed petitions in an effort to convince the Board of Govenors to reject a tuition hike. Now, no one cares.

U of C 101: A waste of your time. However, free burgers abound.

Withdrawl: What you get on your transcript if you drop a course after the fee deadline but before the end of the course. Shameful, but common.

Yawn: A warning signal Chemistry (ANY) is a boring class.

Zzzz: The sound of a happy student in lecture.

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