By Andew Ross
Answer all the questions, circling one answer per question. Then look at the scoring instructions at the end. They will tell you where you belong—whether you like it or not.
1. Which line are you most likely to sing along to in a drinking establishment?
a) “Cuz it feels so empty without me.” Actually, I do that whole song, even the “na na na na na” bit at the end.
b) “Girls just wanna have fun.”
c) “I love rock and roll.”
d) I would only sing in a bar if I was performing onstage there.
e) “Now I’m a broken man on a Halifax pier, the last of Barett’s privateers.”
2. When the bartender at the Den asks what you want, you say:
a) “Three tequilas, a Jagermeister, and a Jack Daniels.”
b) “A blond pussy, a dirty sanchez, a blowjob, and your phone number.”
c) “Gimme a pitcher. Whatever, Canadian is fine.”
d) “What’s the special?”
e) “A pint of Guinness, and take your time.”
3. When you’re looking for clothes to wear to the bar, they have to be:
a) Tight. Breathing is for losers.
b) Revealing. Why put on a lot of clothes that I’m just going to be taking off when we get to their place?
c) Trendy. Everybody else is doing it, so it must be cool.
d) Unique. I don’t want to be wearing the same thing as anybody else.
e) Dark. That way it won’t show when I spill on myself.
4. Why do you go out?
a) Dipping in the stew-pot. Getting hammered at home is just sad, but it’s cool when you go somewhere and pay ten times as much to do it.
b) Picking up. I stay on the scene like a sex machine.
c) Peer pressure. I like to follow the herd, and the herd usually ends up at the watering hole sooner or later.
d) Fun. I like to go and hang out with people. I don’t even need to drink there, I just like the atmosphere.
e) Stress reliever. I just like to have a couple of drinks with some friends to unwind at the end of the week.
5. When you see someone you’re attracted to in a bar, you:
a) Sneak up behind them and grab their ass. Act like it wasn’t me. Walk away. Repeat.
b) Walk up to them and wow them with my great pickup lines. I invented the astronaut pants one, “did it hurt…when you fell from heaven”, and “Is it hot in here or is it just you?”
c) Exchange glances and hints with them until they make the first move.
d) Get my friend to talk to their friend, and then introduce me to both of them.
e) Check how many drinks I’ve had, divide by three, then subtract that number from their hotness (on a scale of one to 10). If they’re still a five or better, and they haven’t left yet, I go flirt with them.
6. When you’re at the bar, you shake:
a) Hands, when my contacts come in and sit down at the table.
b) My head, at the brainless antics of all the drunken idiots around me.
c) What my momma gave me, on the dance floor.
d) Martinis. (Well, the bartender technically does the shaking, but you know what I mean.)
e) Twice, same as anywhere else.
One point for a, two points for b, three points for c, four points for d, five points for e.
6–10 points: Wanker. You should go to the Palace. Not because you’d like it (although you might), but because I never go there, and I don’t want you to contaminate my bars. No offence, but you are what is wrong with society today.
11–15 points: Nymphomaniac. You would screw anything that moves. Getting laid has become the focus of your life, and you think that’s a good thing. I only hope you use effective birth control, because you shouldn’t be reproducing. You might as well go to a flesh bar like Cowboys, at least you’ll find some like-minded people.
16–20 points: Beige Volvo. You are completely unremarkable, and work hard to stay that way. Part chameleon, part sheep, part oatmeal, you are the ultimate in uninteresting. When people look at the crowd in the bar, you are one of the chumps they don’t notice at all, and you like it that way. You’d love Coyote’s and Outlaws: they’ve got fake character, bland top 40 music, and Coyote’s has lots of tvs to watch so you don’t even have to interact with people!
21–25 points: Liar. You picked all of the obviously cool answers, not because they apply to you, but because you wanted to read something that told you how cool you are. Nobody’s as cool as you think you are, not even close. That said, go to the Den because you’ll fit right in.
26–30 points: Smart-ass. You didn’t take this seriously, and picked all the weird and/or funny answers. Either that, or you really are weird and/or funny. You’ll probably enjoy yourself most in a pub like the Hop In Brew, because it’s a funny and/or weird place, and the music is quiet so you’ll be able to hear your own jokes better, you conceited beer-snob of a pretentious bastard you. Oh yeah, you’d also do well to go to the Den on off-nights or in the afternoon. You might see me there.