Milner on Murder

By Gary Milner

Being the first person murdered this year probably wasn’t anything like being the first baby of the New Year.Being a New Year’s baby is a good thing, while being a murder victim is not.I am neither, so I can only assume.

There have been six murders in the Calgary area in 13 days.That’s well on pace for over 168 murders this year.But don’t worry, the murdered generally know their murderers in Cow Town even when there is nearly 1 murder for every 5,500 people.

While I don’t know very many people, I am both nervous and unconcerned at the possibility of record number of killings in the Calgary area. I know that I am not going to kill anyone, and I would be willing to bet on myself in a life or death sort of confrontation with any of my friends.Even if they had a weapon, I could at least make a hasty retreat.

Mr. Lawrence Bailey, the editor of the Gauntlet, would be the one exception.He’s a little bigger than I am, he seems to have connections inside the SU, and he’s been looking at me in a weird way lately.His eyes are glassy, sort of dilated, and he wants my Doritos.I think this editorial might push him over the edge.

I might be the one exception to the rule about knowing your murderer.This paper has a circulation of 12,000.My name is in print all the time and my photo from time to time.I could be developing a stalker, maybe someone so devoted to me that she (or he, I don’t judge my stalkers) might start thinking that if they can’t have me, no one can.

Manny, the stunt guy from the anti-movie piracy advertisements, might be a person that doesn’t know me but would like to kill me.He risks his life all the time to make movies, and then I come along, press a few keys and reap all that benefit.I bet he is feeling the sting of my nefarious downloads. The funny thing is, I just keep doing it with impunity.Come at me!Try and murder me Manny.

After everything is said and done, Calgary is a pretty safe place.We stick to ourselves and don’t kill the people we don’t know and love.

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