Bedroom etiquette

By Kelli Stevens

As children, we learn the basics of etiquette and good manners. They are taught to us by parents, teachers and respectable elders. These coaches, however, seem to be ill equipped when it comes to lessons of bedroom etiquette.

Some standards are well known and can relate to life both in and out of the bedroom. For example, we all know that “please” is a magic word and that it’s a good idea to help clean up after “dinner.” We know it’s about giving as much as receiving and that a “thank you” can go a long way.

In other areas of etiquette, however, some people seem a tad lost.

In the last week, I have heard horror stories about people possessing bedroom manners which make Eminem seem elegantly polished. Hopefully, those people can take the following pieces of business etiquette as a starting point to passion poise.

First of all, be prepared. This is a pretty basic piece of advice and likely stems back to your summer camp days. A surgeon would never enter the operating room without a scalpel and a construction worker wouldn’t arrive on the job without tools. Doing so would show a lack of skill, and demonstrate little respect for the work at hand.

It follows then, that anyone to utter the words “ha ha, I can see your butt crack!” is probably not the best prepared, or most polite, when it comes to sex.

On the other hand, if you feel adequately prepared to hop into bed, please take note of the following: it is considered poor etiquette to leave before a job is done. At an interview, it would be unthinkably rude to walk out while answering the “tell me a bit about yourself” inquiry. In the middle of your staff meeting at work, it would definitely be frowned upon if you decided to desert your boss and leave for lunch.

Therefore, it’s not rocket science to assume it would be poor form to “dismount” mid-deed, get dressed, and head immediately for the door. I’m sorry, but unless there are horrifically unmentionable extenuating circumstances, citing the “I’m tired” excuse is not enough.

Lastly, assuming you aren’t partial to leaving before the job is done, please remember that greetings are necessary. In an office setting, it is polite to answer the phone with something along the lines of “good afternoon, Joe speaking.” Similarly, walking into a store will normally provoke the salesperson to say, “hi, how are you doing today? Can I help you with anything?”

The bedroom is no different. Despite what you may think, it is not considered polite to wake up beside someone and replace “Good morning” with “You don’t have anything do you? Because I have to pass a physical tomorrow.”

No, these kinds of lessons will probably not appear in kindergarten classrooms anytime soon, and your mom is unlikely to slap your hand for poor sexual etiquette. But do us all a favour and brush up on your bedroom behaviour. While society urges everyone to practice safe sex, we may also want to encourage the three C’s: Conduct Coitus Courteously.

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