Experts tackle election predictions

By Chris Beauchamp

Political experts and students alike are in agreement about the high stakes of this year’s Students’ Union presidential race. With candidates ranging from the experienced but politically slick Bryan West to the sadly optimistic campaigns of Sonja Bloomer and Christopher Ng to the sad ineptitude of Phil Barski.

Barski’s forum appearances and unmatched ability to dig his own grave galvanized public opinion.

"I think students would be better represented by a corpse," said seasoned political commentator Chris Beauchamp. "The guy’s a clown. You can surround yourself with a qualified cabinet until you’re blue in the face, but if the president doesn’t know SAA from his own ass, then the SU is going to be in trouble."

It would seem that many students agree. This reporter polled a random sampling of University of Calgary students to gauge the reaction on campus.

"Will I vote for Barski?" asked random student and Gauntlet volunteer C. Beauchamp. "No way. Then again, the news around here would write itself. That would be great for the paper. Yeah, I think I will vote Barski!"

"All the free hot chocolate in the world wouldn’t get me to vote for this guy," insisted first-year Political Science major Christopher B. "He claims by putting his reputation at stake he deserves to win, but all the other candidates are putting their reputations at stake too, and they’ve actually researched some of the major issues. Barski doesn’t even have a clue what Bill 43 is. He should stick with the beer bong and leave politics to greaseballs like Bryan West."

"I think West is the most ‘politician-esque,’" said a first-year English major who asked to be identified only as C.B. "And that’s hardly a good thing. This guy’s slicker than a butt-plug covered in KY jelly. Every sentence out of his mouth begins with the line ‘in my experience…’ What a creep."

Action Party candidate Andrew Simon has naïvely pledged to donate $5,000 of his own salary to scholarships. Political analyst Kris Boshomp claims idealism and public-speaking championships don’t make for presidential material.

"The kid’s got heart," Boshomp said by conference call. "But he’s mainly got empty rhetoric and dumb ideas."

Sonja Bloomer also falls short in Boshomp’s opinion.

"She’s got heart too," he said. "But heart doesn’t run students’ unions, presidents do. I don’t think she understands the true depth the position asks of her."

Christopher Ng is suffering from serious inferiority problems, according to qualified psychoanalyst Cris Beauchamp.

"Can you say ‘little-man syndrome?’" he asked. "This guy doesn’t stand a chance. It’s really quite sad."

"Michael Soron’s campaign is based on strong ideals and semi-interesting ideas," said Boshomp. "But I wouldn’t vote for him."

"It’s really tough to think of something negative to say about him, but I will anyway," said Beauchamp. "I think he sucks. He needs to chill the fuck out."

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