By Lee Bogle
At the dawn of yet another stressful academic session, those seeking balance oft turn to sports or drugs. Some of the best do both, but most mortals must choose one. But this is no longer high school; you actually have to be good to play now.
Or do you?
Instead of striving to be good, striving to be obscure is potentially more fruitful/easy. The heavy activities are practiced by more talented people than yourself, so pick a wee one that you have a realistic possibility of dominating. We are talking about sports, right?
Innertube water polo
A game so advanced it must have been invented by the gods. A sport so obscure that those of mediocre ability are superstars. Chicks in bikinis!
Yes, life is better on the open water with flailing idiots trying to navigate around with innertubes attached to their nether regions. The best thing about it is no one is good, as the sport requires no talent. Thus no one is bad, not even you!
So leave the aerodynamic Speedos at home, they are as pointless as being in good shape for this excuse to get wet.
It may be an Olympic sport, but who really fences? Other than swashbucklers and time travellers from the past, wielding a sword is an uncommon skill. But men, worry not! You’ve been handling a piece in your hand for several years now, how different could this be?
Other pluses for this sport include the ability to rescue damsels (when in distress) and carving oversized initials on every available fence post or horse’s ass.
The bastard cousin of kayaking and rowing, dingy paddling is just as demanding and equally as satisfying as its older relations. But, it is far cheaper, provided you have access to a steamship with poorly made lifeboats, or you could just steal one from a little kid.
Once your dingy is acquired, “find” a paddle (aforementioned methods work well) and huck yourself down a river. Chances are you are the first to have done this, expect a hero’s welcome at the bottom of the creek. Or an ambulance ride.
Hot dog eating
As the debate on the validity of this sport rages, the opportunity for a half-assed athlete (read: you) to become world class is real. Though your class is in question while participating, other BBQ stained fools will look up to you in awe and reverence as you devour whatever is put in front of you.
As an uber-athlete, you may have to practice eating several times a day. The sacrifice will pay off when 250-pound bikers are bested by little ole’ you.
Though one looks ridiculous and feels worse, major competitive strides can be made in this riveting challenge of wit and physical prowess. Actually, the ability to make any strides is an asset in this geriatrically infested sport. Just stepping onto the field will drop the average age by several decades.
And as it is well known, old people suck. It’s been proven before, now you get to prove it in another area that they thought was theirs. Make their Depends do double shifts as you shame their elderly asses.
This is more of an art than a sport, as inebriated individuals head down precariously icy chutes on plastic devices. Degree of difficulty is proportional to the amount of beer consumed, and jumps can add bonuses.
Once thought of as a realm for the kiddies, sledding has reached new levels of intoxicating fun in the past few years with the introduction of a plethora of illicit substances. While these are generally performance diminishing, they are amusement enhancing and therefore encouraged.
Besting others is that simple.
Hopefully these humble honours of athletic greatness have inspired you to look into them as future activities. Or you could just turn to drugs to balance you out. Hell, just do both and git on a sled.