Cougar infiltrates Dinos shower room

By Lee Bogle and Sean Nyilassy

The historically mediocre University of Calgary women’s hockey team surpassed “Our” Lord’s expectations by reaching the Alberta College Athletic Conference final during their playoff run last March. Following a heartbreak loss to the Mount Royal College Cougars, Head Coach Julie Healy had only one comment regarding this season.

“This is where we ended; we start from here next year.”

Albeit the preseason is not treating the ladies as they had prophesied, confidence still runs high in their veins (as recommended by our Guide to Sports Cliches for this circumstance).

“We’re much stronger compared to this time last year,” boasted Film Supervisor/Trainee Pre-assistant Coach of Practices Jaimie Morris. “We recruited some strong girls from other schools.”

Without further adieu, announcing the 2004 rookie line-up in numerical order: Kelly Van Skiver, Kelsey Szymanek, Averil Parent, Joanna Lappage, Robyn Chapman, Candace Drouin, Steph Fairfield and Linsy Stewart. Szymanek, an ex-member of the Cougars that ruined last year’s “dream,” has infiltrated the Dinos’ showers and will be taking to the ice with them this year. We thought a polygraph would find out what she’s learned during her time here as an agent of espionage.

“These practices are more skill related.” But the look in her eye told the truth just fine, proving the polygraph unnecessary.

Parent brings a male chauvinistic ability to the game. She’s working on “a killer snapshot. No other girls have a snapshot!” That’s right hun’, you’re better than all of them. Sounds like the opinion of another race we know. Szymanek knows exactly what she’s bringing from college to the Dinos.

“I stick my ass out,” she jokingly confessed, reaffirming that college stereotype. What, it isn’t one? Well it is now.

Our ladies’ regular season begins Oct. 21 against the Red Deer College Queens, Drouin’s former home. Having left the shithole of Red Deer to obtain higher intelligence and athleticism at our institute, her prior teammates may lust for her blood as they can think of no other form of revenge. All home games are played at the Olympic Oval. Check the website for the full Dinos schedule.

If asses and snaps don’t sound like a total package (or an escort advertisement–and we don’t mean the Ford) to seal the deal this year, perhaps Morris’ words will put your soul at rest.

“People can actually skate this year.”