Movie Review: Surprise, Vin Diesel still not funny

By Nolan Lewis

The early ’90s were sad. Besides the repetition of “righteous” and Bermuda short wearing wannabe surfers, it also marked the beginning of Hulk Hogan’s acting career–one most of us would like to forget. Except Disney, it seems, as they decided to remake Hulkamaniac’s Mr. Nanny.

In it, the Hulkster was a wrestler/bodyguard assigned to protect a scientist and his bratty children due to the threat of terrorist. But when those little shits scared off their nanny, Hulk becomes bodyguard and nanny. Fast-forward ten years, make the bodyguard a Navy Seal and you got The Pacifier.

Feeling guilty for the death of the family’s father he was sent to rescue, Shane takes the assignment of bodyguarding the kids while the mother goes, for what is supposed to be a two day trip, to collect the contents of her husband’s safety deposit box. The kids are little horrors, the nanny takes off and the mum gets delayed two weeks–so begins the chaos.

Being a Disney movie a certain amount of cheese is expected, but this movie has more cheese than even Urkel could handle. Especially the ninja fight.

Just when Shane thinks there’s no hope winning the children over, he gets a gift from God when two ninjas crash through the window. Shane disposes of them using an arsenal of children toys in a poorly choreographed Jackie Chan-lite fight.

At times the movie seems like a recruitment video for the military rather than a family film. Stuffed full of askew implication, The Pacifier claims that to be a good person you need the discipline of a soldier and, what all parents want their children to know, kick the asses of those you don’t like–it is the American way. Being trite and militaristic are not the film’s biggest flaws, casting Vin Diesel is. Though this could be said for any film starring the no-talent oaf, this film is especially painful with his presence. He grunts and has as much range as your solidified botox injected faced aunt.

Embarrassingly, The Pacifier is one shitty old movie staring a wrestler with some cheap warmongering blended with poor performances. At this rate, expect Disney to remake Tag Team. The heart warming tale of wrestlers-turned-cops, originally staring the talents of “Rowdy” Roddy Piper and Jesse “The Body” Ventura.


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