Twilight parody is a sparkling book of utmost quality

By Meagan Mieklejohn

Long live the days when wizards and wands reigned, casting the hearts of innocent fans into an obsessive fictional abyss. Yet, like an overplayed magic trick, the invisible cloak has been drawn over poor Harry Potter, dusting over the stormy trend of lightning bolt tattoos and circular glasses with shimmering body glitter and gold contacts.

That’s right, a new fictional phenomenon is in town — one that fans can’t help but sink their false fangs into.

Nightlight, a parody written by the Harvard Lampoon, is an unbelievably comedic interpretation of Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight, with a hint of its sequel New Moon. Not only does it poke fun at every detail in her novel, its best parts feed off of Twilight’s artistic failure as a film, Robert Pattinson’s inability to build muscle and, in general, today’s obsession with the internet, text messaging and sarcasm.

The story begins as Belle Goose, an out of place girl — though only until she shifts in her seat, get it? — decides to escape the perils of babysitting her childish mother and stepfather by exiling herself to the small town of Switchblade, Oregon. Once there, Belle reunites with her father, the town’s sports car driving window-washer, and is given her very own U-Haul to cruise around in.

At school, and in every other facet of her life, Belle is an outspoken, self-absorbed though loveable character. Although she is convinced that the entire male population of Switchblade, including the persistent IRS agent who continues to send her “love letters,” is madly in love with her, Edwart Mullen is the “vampire” of her eye. This computer-gaming, storm-chasing, Price Elasticity venture-meteorologist bachelor has got Belle on the edge of her seat. First refusing to eat his Tater Tots at lunch, and then saving her from a snowball, Belle concludes — with the help of her detective agency, “Belle Goose on the Loose” — that Edwart is a vampire.

However, Belle finds that landing a vampire boyfriend, and becoming a vampire herself, is harder than she thought. While she prepares herself for the big day, ensuring her blood smells as much like grapefruit as it possibly can, Belle demands that Edwart stop pretending to be human around her.

“The magic verb form is imperative. You don’t have to hide your natural inclination to boss me around. I want you to feel comfortable. . . to the point of domination.”

Such domination, however, is not likely going to come from Edwart, whose danger extends as far as his urge to break traffic rules.

As a Twilight fan it is hard to imagine enjoying any text explicitly making fun of Meyer’s novel, but this is an exception. It seems that those who avoid all things Twilight, except for critiquing it, have based their opinions upon two terrible films. Those who have read the book can expect Nightlight to be a laugh-and-a-half, understanding and appreciating the Harvard Lampoon’s sheer brilliance. Those who have not will still find themselves falling over laughing as they absorb this quirky quick-read — it never lulls, only LOLS.

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