Young wizard transforms classroom discussion

By Brent Constantin

University of Calgary philosophy student and high mage Jeffrey Muller astounded classmates this week with his ability to magically reshape a once mundane class topic into an incredible creation of his own design.

Last week, a typical class lecture on the writings of Immanuel Kant was swept up in sudden blast of mysterious energies, which sources say originated from Muller, leading to the remainder of class time focused on unrelated anecdotes and observations from his own life.

Classmate Stephanie Jenkins confirmed that the humanities lecture had been proceeding as usual when Muller raised his hand, in what must have been some kind of arcane gesture, drawing the attention of the professor to call on the 28-year-old warlock.

“I was just trying to focus on what the Dr. Fujier was saying and get all the notes down,” said Jenkins. “Then, before I knew what was going on, Jeff was talking about how he thought the American Civil War was a result of his grandpa’s potato business or something. It all happened too fast.”

Kant, an 18th-century German philosopher whose work argued the conception of metaphysics could be reformed through the understanding of the limits of human knowledge, can only tangentially be linked to either potatoes, the American Civil War or Muller’s grandfather, making the accomplishment all the more profound.

Muller, now entering his seventh year of an undergraduate philosophy degree, said he has been performing this fantastic spell for years.

“I sit through so many classes where it’s just so boring,” said Muller, as he straightened his cloak. “I looked around and I knew I owed it to the rest of the group to add a little Muller pizazz.”

Sources close to Muller report that his uncanny power to transfigure even the most straightforward class-discussions into long diatribes about his personal life has been with the magician for as long as they can remember.

“I’ve never been in a class with him where he didn’t do this,” said Erinne Kline, a fellow philosophy student who has had the privilege of witnessing Muller’s thrilling enchantments on an almost daily basis. “It doesn’t matter what the original topic was, you can count on Jeff to say something no one cares about.”

Muller said he has weaved his unique brand of hexes on a wide range of classroom discussion topics over his near-decade at the U of C after he discovered his gift at a young age.

“I remember there was this one time, maybe in grade three, when the teacher was talking about something I didn’t know anything about,” said Muller. “And I thought, ‘This isn’t fair. Why should I be left out of a conversation just because I have nothing valuable to contribute to it?’ “

Though Muller would not divulge his secrets directly, what followed was surely a long, arduous journey towards mastery of the dark, unknowable arts.

“I think what’s really interesting,” Muller said as he summoned the miraculous power within him. “Is how it makes you realize how poor our education system is. There have been studies that prove students in China are beating North Americans because they consider themselves like only one unit. It’s not like that here, I know a friend of mine who was once thrown out of the pool because she wore a one piece bathing suit, which proves that our level of technology today just influences our lives so much.”

As of press time Muller was reported to be embroiled in transmogrifying a conversation involving the Calgary Flames into the overuse of corn-based by-products in the diet of Canadians.

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