Romney’s binders full of excuses

By Elizabeth Scott

Since the second presidential debate on Oct. 16, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney’s press service has been working tirelessly to douse the inferno sparked by the former governor’s “binders full of women” comment.

When asked about efforts to promote equality of women in the workplace, Romney claimed he sought the help and support of various women’s groups in an effort to inject some estrogen into his cabinet. He went on to describe the overwhelming response from these groups, and how the profiles of hundreds of qualified women were prepared and passed along to him. So many profiles were prepared, in fact, they had to be strategically organized and filed into multiple binders. 

Since this statement, innumerable criticisms — including suggestions that Romney objectifies women — have been made about the governor and his position on gender equality. Although Romney has been discouraged from speaking further on the issue, members of his press team have made statements defending the presidential hopeful. 

“With Mr. Romney under so much pressure and the clock ticking, we can’t afford to discriminate against women by any other system. It’s much more time- and cost-efficient to do it in bulk,” said Republican assistant press secretary Bill Gibbons. 

“These accusations are erroneous,” Republican vice-president nominee Paul Ryan commented. “To insinuate that Mr. Romney undervalues women is absolutely false. I mean, he’s married to one and she’s not bad. Well, aesthetically, yes, I suppose the argument could be made, but she’s got a great personality. The point is that women are valuable, fairly equal members of society and deserve our . . . respite? No, that wasn’t it . . . respell? Aw, man, this is going to drive me nuts.” 

Outside of the governor’s political campaign headquarters, Republicans everywhere are showing their support in hordes for Romney and his slight misstep. A close friend of the former governor, Ritt Momney, came forward to suggest the entire ‘binders full of women’ ordeal has been blown out of proportion, and that everyone should just focus on the fact that Mitt Romney “is a really great guy.” 

Another Republican devotee, Guy McCabe of Washington, Oklahoma — known to his friends as ‘The Lonely Guy’ — pledges his support more than ever for Romney, claiming he knows exactly how hard it is to find the right woman. 

“Binders do sound nice and convenient,” he sighed, glumly. 

When asked if they anticipated Romney’s now infamous remark to hinder the candidate’s chances for presidency, campaign officials did not seem concerned. 

“We have no doubt that Mr. Romney will make a comeback in the polls. He has learned from his mistake and will no longer make reference to the potentially offensive system by which the women were filed. Mr. Romney has made it known that from this point forward he will prefer to have his women filed by portfolio. You know, those ones with the clear fronts?” said Republican press secretary Harry Whithorn. 

In a Gauntlet interview, Ryan hastily added, “the binders were made from 80 per cent recycled pop bottles, if that helps. That’s good, right? Put that in your article as well, will you?”

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