Rob Ford: The Musical Biography

By Melanie Bethune

For the past several weeks, news outlets across the world have been ablaze with the ongoing saga of shamed Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. One Canadian theatre company is capitalizing on the publicity with the production of a stage musical.

Tentatively titled Rob Ford: Cracking the Case, the Northern Theatre production is set to begin in early spring 2014 with tour dates across the country, including a limited engagement special premiere event in Toronto itself.

Billed as “Jesus Christ Superstar for the disgruntled municipal Canadian,” the show is said to chronicle Ford’s early life and descent into madness.

Already noted as a highlight of the show, the opening number “Drunken Stupor,” is apparently so powerful that the audience may not even be aware if they themselves have consumed large amounts of illegal drugs, sexually harassed staff members or were terrible leaders of the largest city in Canada.

Thankfully, audience members don’t have the responsibility of leading Toronto.

Other songs include “Suck It, I’m Sticking Around,” a heartfelt ballad performed by Ford’s character directed at the entire audience, as well as a large ensemble number performed by a group of American characters entitled “And We Thought Our Governments Were Screwed Up.”

The show’s final scene depicts Ford — played by a yet-to-be-named actor pulled out of a back alley in Kensington — aggressively shoving away a character representing his former self, in much the same way he would shove a city council member. With that image, the curtain falls.

“This show is going to be revolutionary,” claimed director Sam Jenkins. “I think it will revitalize the show business industry and give the media a new reason to keep talking about Rob Ford for years to come!”

Word of the musical is already spreading like wildfire.

“Of course I’m going to see it,” said Alberta theatre society member Jackie Davis. “I haven’t heard nearly enough about Rob Ford in the media lately. I mean, there’s a breaking story every few hours it seems, but that’s still not enough! I need a stage show — a soundtrack to the current events.”

People are so excited at the prospect of such an artistic endeavour that a school version of the musical and a proposed sequel are already in the works. The school version would follow much of the same plot line, only substituting Poprocks in place of the crack cocaine, and too much cherry soda in place of Ford’s infamous vodka and grape juice. Meanwhile, the sequel would detail further developments in Ford’s term as mayor, and perhaps even as a future prime minister candidate.

“Only time will tell where Ford’s story goes next,” Jenkins said. “We’ve covered cocaine, alcohol, sexual harassment and other crimes, but by no means does that mean we’ve exhausted the potential stories concerning Ford. More dirt will be uncovered, and mark my words, we’ll be there to write a song about it.”

Keep your eyes and ears peeled for the Calgary dates of Rob Ford: Cracking the Case, coming soon to a stage near you.

Don’t forget to bring your crack pipe, bottle of vodka and blatant denial of and later half-hearted apology for any illegal activities, as the show wouldn’t be complete without them.

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