Top-10 replacements for Alison Redford

By Melanie Bethune

With Alison Redford’s resignation last week amidst numerous controversies and problems, the Alberta government is in a tumultuous position. While Dave Hancock has been sworn in as interim premier for the time being, an election for Progressive Conservative Party leadership will be held on Sept. 6. Until then, the Gauntlet has taken the time to break down the early frontrunners in the race.

1. The third Tim Hortons in MacHall

Even though it’s the third of its kind in one location and hasn’t been opened yet, the new Tim Hortons will likely have higher approval ratings than our past two premiers. Also, if any party members threaten to cross the floor, they can easily be lured back in by an always-fresh cup of coffee and a family pack of timbits.

2. Kermit the Frog

It may not be easy being green, but at least we know he won’t quit the job, as not only Redford but her predecessor Ed Stelmach also did. This puppet amphibian has been around for 60 years, so there’s little chance of him skipping out now. Plus, with that wacky arm-flailing he does when he’s upset, provincial debates will be adorable.

3. A round-trip flight to South Africa on Air Canada

These travel plans will definitely cost the government less than $45,000. In fact, for that price, 30 hard-working Albertans could make the trip and still have some spare change for a souvenir T-shirt and commemorative shot glass.

4. Flappy Bird

If this collagen-injected cyclops bird can successfully navigate those Mario-esque green pipes in the popular phone app, then the Keystone pipeline debate should be a breeze. Then again, in both the game and real life it’s just a matter of getting past the first pipe.

5. A Greenworks 24-V cordless hedge trimmer

The PC government’s largest concern right now is keeping the Wildrose at bay and the Greenworks 24-V cordless hedge trimmer could be just the solution. The Greenworks 24-V cordless hedge trimmer boasts a 24-V lithium ion powered engine and interchangeable lithium ion battery. The Greenworks 24-V cordless hedge trimmer is available for 10 per cent off for a limited time at all Canadian Tire locations.

6. The Canadian women’s Olympic hockey team

Many media outlets questioned if any of the controversy surrounding Redford was related to her gender. What Alberta really needs is a group of strong, empowered ladies to bring feminism back into style.

7. Your great aunt Fran

One of the most publicized negative critiques of Redford’s leadership came from one rebel MLA who called her “not a nice lady,” so the obvious candidate is the nicest lady you know: your great aunt Fran. With her trays of fresh-baked cookies and basket of knitted sweaters and coffee mug cozies, auntie Fran will have Albertans feeling guilty for not calling more often in no time.

8. The ghost of Ralph Klein

Much of the dissent surrounding Redford and her predecessor Ed Stelmach involves how they weren’t like Alberta’s long-standing premier who came before them, with his old-timey relatability and King Ralph nickname. The solution? Bring him back from the dead.

9. Ellen DeGeneres

Let’s be honest here. It’s pretty darn near impossible to not like Ellen, so approval ratings are going to skyrocket. We also might get an Oscar-level selfie with the likes of cabinet minister Cal Dallas or treasury board member David Dorward. Move over, Bradley Cooper.

10. A personal computer

Putting the PC back in Progressive Conservative, the most logical option for provincial leadership is a platform that can support both Linux and the totally functional Windows 8. Let’s take away all of the human error we’ve been so critical of with Redford and automate everything. Who needs real breathing and thinking government officials anyway? Let’s go full on 1984.

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