Guys aren’t the only ones with bitter balls

What’s your most humiliating moment?

Mine came mere days before Valentine’s. While performing my ritualistic spring purse cleaning, I stumbled upon my secret stash of condoms. I was about to transfer them to yet another secret compartment, when I noticed the date: 01/99. It had only been 106 days pse (post-sexual encounter), but somehow between then and now, my condoms had expired.

Slowly, like a Devil’s Food cake rising in an oven of hate, I found myself filling up with contempt for whatever cosmic force had caused this event to unfold. Ah, but little did I know the ultimate humiliation was saved for last-Valentine’s Day. With less than 48 hours to go, I was dateless, planless, and most especially bitter.

Apparently I wasn’t the only one, because as I reluctantly entered the Bitter Ball to join the few and the pathetic, I was shocked to find a full-court press of fun. The ballroom was as packed as the fish bowl full of condoms mocking me at the entrance-bastards. I moved on to scan the room for possibilities. The ballroom was packed with the many, the sexually depraved and, yes, the bitter.

Tagged with latex balloons like the meat we were, our level of bitterness was easily identified by the colours of balloons we carried. Seeing as even my condoms had given up on me, I chose black to represent my lack of hope. After losing two and finally securing a third, I made a beeline to the martini bar on the hunt for fun, and fun I did find, even if it didn’t involve any more latex than what was attached to my wrist.

The swing lessons proved interesting for other swing virgins in the room. The Dino Martinis also offered a solid performance that catered to the bitter, sexually-charged crowd. It was the Singles Sell-Off that proved the highlight of the night, even if my bid didn’t secure me a date. Sure some may label it a mild form of prostitution, but co-hosts Jared Lorenz and Students’ Union Vice-president Events Miki Stricker made it seem okay (“come on people, it’s for a good cause,” said Stricker before she was sold for $121). The proceeds, in the hundreds of dollars, went to the Campus Food Bank.

I left alone that night, smiling as I grabbed a condom from the depleted reserve; the expiry date read 08/13/02. Plenty of time.

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