Kirk for our new king

By Corky Thatcher

"I pick’t somebody from de press," Prime Minister Jean Chrétien said as he announced his appointment of Adrienne Clarkson as Governor General. He continued: "I was nice this time."

Jawohl, mein Prime Minister.

"I was nice," indeed. What a perfect way to highlight his past abuses of power and his philosophy that he-can-do-whatever-the-fuck-he-wants-and-you-better-be-grateful-if-he-doesn’t-have-you-beaten-by-the-RCMP.

Perhaps it could have been worse. Perhaps Chrétien could have continued to appoint former hockey heroes, and we could have had Stan Mikita for a Governor General. The weeks before he announced his appointment of Clarkson, Chrétien was overheard asking fellow members of Parliament if Gump Worsely was still alive.

But the people wonder, "What does Adrienne Clarkson know about politics?" The answer: she doesn’t have to know anything–she isn’t supposed to. Clarkson said after her appointment that she "has ideas." For what? Cutting ribbons? The hardest part of the job is learning how to pin a medal on people without stabbing them.

Not to say that the role of the Governor General is useless. I believe very strongly that the Governor General is integral in making Canadians feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Countries need someone who do nothing for a lot of money. England has its Windsors. Cuba has its Castro. (I’d mention Saddam Hussein, but, what with avoiding all those American assassins, I have a feeling he’s the hardest working dictator in business.)

That’s why we still have a GG. What would we do if we didn’t have the Rideau Hall to spend money on? What else would we use the money for? Health Care?

So for a job that requires no knowledge and no talent, you need to hire based on superficial things like race and gender. Being a former refugee, Clarkson is ahead of the game. Take a look at the short list of nominees to see for yourself. In trying to avoid old, paternal dinosaurs, the selection committee (read: Jean Chrétien) looked only for Canadian celebrities:

Bryan Adams: was disqualified when the selection committee discovered that, at Puff Daddy’s parties Adams denies he is even Canadian and tells people he is the victim of socialist propaganda.

Alan Thicke: now has a warrant for his arrest after the selection committee was told that Thicke wrote the theme song to the Facts of Life.

Bobby Clarke: had the advantage of lost teeth and a member of the Broadstreet Bullies, but was disqualified when he failed to put Mark Messier on the Canadian Olympic hockey team. Bastard.

William Shatner: was disqualified when the selection committee was tortured with Shatner’s rendition of "Mr. Tambourine Man." (The tape was sent by the vindictive Alex Trebek, who was angry for not making the short list.)

Anne Murray: runner up for the GG position. After losing to Clarkson in a thumb-wrestling match, Clarkson was awarded the position.

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