At least your name’s not like…

By Robert Granger

Ever wonder if Mike Diamond, the legendary Beastie Boy, was related to Neil Diamond? Me neither. This story attempts to clarify, or at least insinuate, relationships between some of the world’s most notorious jackasses solely on the basis of common last name. This is a thinking exercise.

Bill Goldberg, "Athlete"

The 6’4", 293 lbs, Atlanta Falcons reject’s idea of dramatic effect involves convulsing epileptically and screaming, "Who’s next?" Interests include headbutting other smarmy, ‘roid-fed, spoiled fatasses in a canvas ring, sporting a pube-like paste-on beard, and devouring young. Favorite movie: "Steel CageMagnolias".

Whoopi Goldberg, "Actress"

The 5’3", 160 lbs, film industry reject’s idea of dramatic effect involves using "hood" slang and looking overly concerned. Interests include trying to salvage her career by becoming the center square on Hollywood Squares, the trailer park equivalent of Jeopardy. Sporting the same dreads almost continuously since conception, she has made more Academy Award appearances than is either acceptable or understandable. Favorite movie: anything with George Wendt, "the only white boy who makes me moist."

Jon Davis, accidental star of KoRn

With a singular inability to carry a tune crowns his association with crap/metal hybrid act Limp Bizkit, with his repeated piss-poor attempts to clone Rage Against the Machine (who failed to clone Judas Priest). This geek on a leash apparently appeals to the mass of "confused" and "alienated" high-school kiddies, thus propelling him to his deserved 15 minutes of superstardom. Enjoys dreaming about sex all day while playing bagpipes.

Geena Davis, Accidental Tourist star

Her incessant, irradiating smile; her obsession with archery; and her self-defeating career moves (see Angie and The Long Kiss Goodnight) apparently appeals to the mass of "bewildered" and "misunderstood" middle-aged men. She enjoys shooting curare-tipped arrows in her intriguing little white dress and gnawing on her Oscar while putting her agent in the figure-four leglock.

Rin Tin Tin, canine TV character

On the whole quadrupedal superhero spectrum, our militarily-inclined canine friend outdoes both The Littlest Hobo and Brain from Inspector Gadget fame. Why he was never nominated for an Emmy or promoted to Sergeant-major is beyond me. This series is actually slated to return next fall, co-starring Keanu Reeves in the season opener as the mumbling, bumbling corporal who stumbles into a paper bag and can’t act his way out of it.

Tintin, Belgian comic book character

On the whole bipedal juvenile superhero spectrum, our journalistically-inclined friend is sandwiched between loveable Damien from The Omen and the BB gun-toting brat from Home Alone. How Herge managed to squeeze out 22 incredible episodes is beyond me. Keep your eyes peeled for the rare and discontinued releases Tintin Goes To Hell and my favorite: Captain Haddock’s Journey to the Center of the Betty Ford Clinic.

Gene Simmons, glam rock guru

His genetic predisposition to a long tongue has resulted in his bafflingly longevic fame. Ace Frehley’s not complaining. His band’s songs possess all the musical appeal of roadkill on the hottest day of summer. Only bangers doped up on rancid baby oil would dare boogie to such tripe. Like CJAY disk jockeys. On the plus side, he looks like Bea Arthur. She’s hot.

Richard Simmons, health guru

His genetic predisposition to being an annoying fatass has resulted in the desire of many to administer a good smackdown on his pretty candy ass. His videos have all the athletic ability of Joe Sports doing taebo. On the plus side, he kind of looks like Garry Shandling. He’s hot, too.

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