By Matt Vernon
Editors, the Gauntlet,
Re: Everything and everyone
I feel personally offended by your newspaper. I have been slighted not only your choice of font, but also by the repeated use of graphics and advertisements. Your layout staff has maliciously targeted me as long as I can remember, and I have even gone so far in the past of speaking about this with random strangers. That my dissatisfaction has gone unnoticed reveals the void of community spirit that obviously plagues your thoughtless institution.
There have been countless incidents in the recent past in which people have used you paper to share opinions that I personally disagree with on one level or another; I demand that this phenomenon be ceased immediately! I have given money to numerous charitable organizations, including random little donation boxes near cash registers, and I feel that this entitles me to a little respect. I have a plethora of obscure and questionable quotes from irrelevant sources that will serve to cloud not only my point but also the issue in general. If my complaints are read closely enough, you will find that I am hurling veiled insults at you from within the haze of my own sense of righteous self-satisfaction, as I do not equate a demand for respect with the need for respect in return.
I hope you feel the sting of my flawless arguments and I will leave you with a final flare of particularly inspired word play:
Cancel my subscription, if I have one.