By Еvan Osentоn
Exciting news this week as both fringes of American politics prepare for the apocalypse. On the extreme right-wing, brand-spanking new president George W. Bush is wringing his hands as he awaits the result of the Miami Herald’s impending recount of tens of thousands of contentious Floridian votes. Thank extraordinarily liberal access- to-information laws in the Sunshine State for this enticing development. Meanwhile, the radical left in America drifts slack-jawed upon rumours Rage Against the Machine front man Zac de la Rocha has ditched the band. Millions of California youth are reportedly confused and await
de la Rocha’s orders as to what they should make of his latest career move.
The Herald’s inevitable announcement that Dubya in fact lost in Florida may very well be met with nothing more than a shrug, leaving Bush the rest of the day free to execute Texans. But before he dismisses the Herald recount as unofficial", Bush should remember that newspapers have toppled presidents in the past… remember Watergate? People trust newspapers (stupidly, one might say) more than they trust the opportunistic politicians and lawyers who so manipulated the airwaves during post-election constipation–the people truly responsible for getting Bush where he is today. Perhaps the Herald will initiate a scandal so great the American public rejects the legitimacy of the Presidential office. Perhaps the public might simply call for Bush’s resignation, leaving–shudder–oil baron and general-enemy-of-nature Dick Cheney in charge of things. Either way, it should be fun to see what the Herald finds, what Bush has to say about their findings, and just how many limousines burn in the streets of Washington D.C. as a result.
Bush’s detractors–who are almost unilaterally heavy-metal music fans–are too busy grinding their marajuana-stained teeth at the prospect of a breakup of history’s most successful oxymorons, anarchist musical troupe Rage Against the Machine, to gloat about Bush’s impending downfall. Right-wing types have Presidents as icons, left-wings types drug-addled musicians. Without RATM, what will the left do? Who will fill their heads with endorsements of the Anarchist Cookbook, unsubstantiated declarations of Mumia Abu Jamal’s innocence and a call for American youth to spend less time at the mall? Jello Biafra’s too old. Ralph Nader’s too old. Richard Gere creeps out all but the most die-hard. Upon de la Rocha’s retirement, the left will lack leadership, countless species of birds will drop dead from the skies, war will be declared on Africa and the value of Nike stock will triple in a few short weeks.
The next few weeks should be interesting indeed. At stake–the future of America and, likely, the future of our entire galaxy. Stay tuned.