Bizarro Sports: Speed skater lacks speedy bladder

As usual, Bizarro Sports is all made up. We do it in good fun, and we thank Mr. Wotherspoon in advance for playing along.

– Gauntlet Sports Staff

Jeremy Wotherspoon experienced difficulty performing under pressure at the Speed Skating World Cup last weekend. No he didn’t have problems with his 1000m race, nor with the 500m dash. Wotherspoon’s trouble was at the Doping Control Centre after Saturday’s events.

It took Wotherspoon an unprecedented three hours to pee in a cup.

"I just couldn’t handle all the interruptions," said Wotherspoon when he finally emerged from the bathroom to talk to the media.

Apparently, when he was first approached by the Doping Control Officer immediately following his 1000m race, Wotherspoon insisted he be allowed to cool down before drug testing. Then he was required to attend the medal ceremony. When all was said and done and he couldn’t delay any further, he finally headed for the bathroom.

When an reporter from a major national broadcasting network suggested Wotherspoon could give a press release before entering the bathroom, she was informed he would need less than five minutes to complete the drug test.

Five minutes turned into 30 and the media became increasingly impatient. Volunteers were sent into the bathroom to inquire about Wotherspoon’s progress and each time they were informed he needed just another five minutes.

"How long does it take to pee?" asked one exasperated journalist. "I mean, for a guy who can finish a 500m race in under 35 seconds, he sure takes his time getting his fly undone."

Countless bottles of All Sport were sent to the Doping Centre in a desperate attempt to get Wother-spoon to pee, but to no avail. The World Champion would not be hurried. Finally, as the media prepared to storm the bathroom to conduct their interviews there, Wotherspoon emerged.

He was immediately accosted by dozens of cameras and microphones as each network tried to figure out exactly what caused the delay.

"What can I say?" asked Wotherspoon. "Some days you’re on and others you’re not. I’m not really too concerned it took me three hours to go pee. After all, I had four solid races this weekend. That should be enough. Still, it is something I have to work on before attending the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympics."

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