Varsity twister?

After a controversial 17-hour meeting on March 28, the Canadian Intercollegiate Athletic Union New Sport Accreditation Council announced the certification of Twister as a varsity sport.

The decision to accredit the popular Milton Bradley game instantly resonated throughout the country as 165 universities and colleges–including the University of Calgary–announced their intent to participate in the new sport. At the U of C, over two dozen Dino athletes announced their resignation from their current teams to try out for varsity Twister.

"Stupid old basketball… or Twister?" mused former Dino basketball centre Chris Harris in an excessively sarcastic tone. "Are you kidding? I spent my childhood playing Twister. [I] can’t wait to get it on against those nancy-boys from Trinity [Western University]."

"I can’t believe I wasted nearly all my eligibility playing some dumb game with a ball and a hoop," added ex-Dino basketballer Jen Goldade. "Attention CIAU: Get ready to get ‘Cold as Ice’ cause this team is going to be hot-blooded."

Other recently-resigned athletes and Twister team hopefuls include wrestler Kristian Leach, Sports Information Director Jack Neumann, women’s volleyball player Krista Kinsman and rowing club member Andrea Bundon.

Dino’s Head of Athletic Endeavour Dr. Alex Vandenhoofd said he is ecstatic about CIAUNSAC’s decision.

"Track and field equals boring," stated Vandenhoofd. "Volleyball is about as exciting as two decomposing cats. The sexy safe adult fun that only Twister can provide will pull in crowds the likes of which we’ve never seen at this apathetic wasteland."

However, the rumoured high cost of varsity-grade Twister equipment–the faculty of Kinesiology concedes they’ll have to build a $550 million covered "Twisterdome"–has campus intelligentsia livid.

"Why didn’t the CIAUNSAC come down to speaker’s corner!" screamed an unknown debator amidst a spray of saliva. Said debator was unavailable for further comment as at this moment every blood vessel in his head imploded–causing his head to deflate like a punctured dinghy.

Other critics questioned the choice of Twister over other sports under consideration.

"I totally campaigned for Scotland Yard," spat former U of C Students’ Union President Rob South through a mouthful of Yukon Krunch Blizzard. "And that’s not because my repetitive strain injury and bursitis prevents me from playing Twister, either."

Despite this criticism, enthusiasm for the new sport is high on most campuses. So far, Trinity Western University is the only institution to explicitly state they will not field a Twister team.

"It’s not the cost," read a tersely worded statement released yesterday. "[Twister] obviously leads to un-clean activities such as ‘fun.’ Fun clearly leads to sexual deviancy which leads, almost instantly, to AIDS. Thusly, Twister equals AIDS."

Harris expressed disdain at TWU’s non-involvement.

"Those pansies couldn’t ‘twist’ their way out of a paper bag," he smiled. "I used to breakdance in front of the Sev[en Eleven convenience store near his childhood home]. Ask anyone in Forest Lawn–I can contort to any shape."

Tryouts begin April 7 in MSC 251. More information can be obtained by calling 220-7048.

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