Since the departure of Dinos men’s hockey Head Coach Tim Bothwell, there has been a void in our lives. Frankly speaking, Bothwell’s dash to the greener pastures of a National Hockey League left Dinos fans in a strange state of uncertainty. While increased alcohol consumption by all concerned was the first step to dealing with Bothwell’s departure, it by no means solved the problem. What it did however, was give Dinos brass (most noticeably Dr. Alex Vandenhoofd, head of Athletic Endeavours) some ideas on who the candidates to replace Bothwell should be.
Through the Gauntlet’s wily ways we got to see the shortlist of potential Bothwell replacements and our first reaction was shock coupled with large amounts of uncontrollable laughter.
"I know," said Dr. Vandenhoofd, "I know. But have a couple of drinks and things will look much better. It’s just like when you see an ugly girl at the bar."
The list (scribbled on a coaster) reads as follows:
Don Cherry
Overall: He would fit right in with the faculty.
"Well, he would," protested Vandenhoofd, when we looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "And we don’t have any dirty Euros on the roster. I’m sure we can get him to come."
Pros:
• he makes every hockey list
• coached the Bruins
•might bring Ron MacLean along
Cons:
• a little xenophobic
• coached the Bruins
Favourite saying: "Forsberg? I’ll take Dougie (Gilmour) over him any day."
Mr. T
Overall: Maybe some gold chains behind the bench is just what the Dinos need.
Pros:
• they wouldn’t win that much, but it’d be damn funny
• coached the Bruins
• can save you at least a buck or two on long distance
• might bring Alyssa Milano along
Cons:
• can’t play, can’t skate, can’t puck handle, etc.
• unstable mental state
• players wouldn’t know what the hell he’s talking about
Favourite saying: "I pity the fool who don’t dial 1-800-COLLECT."
Cito Gaston
Overall: "I like the Blue Jays," said Vandenhoofd.
Pros:
• two World Series rings as a manager
• one of the best batting instructors around
• he knows Kelly Gruber
Cons:
• drunk Willie McCovey stories make no sense to Dinos’ hockey players
• hasn’t won anything since 1993
Favourite saying: "If we get our bats going with one good hot streak, we’ll be right back in the Wild Card chase."
Wil Holden
Overall: Now that would be cool.
Pros:
• already on campus
• looks the part of a hockey coach
• might throw chairs on the ice
• might throw markers at the referees
• increased fan attendance guaranteed
• "Flaming Moes" for everyone
• VIP passes to the Palace to all involved with the Dinos hockey program
Cons:
• Never made the prestigious popular profs list in the Maclean’s University issue
Favourite saying: "And then I said…"