Quite possibly the funniest man in Management

By Jonathan Durant

Words on a page. They’re nothing more than black ink shaped in a way that others can (or cannot) understand. But what does that mean in the world today?

From the civil wars and conflicts brewing in far-off lands to weapons that, if detonated, could not only destroy those whom they were intended for but also annihilate those who threw the switch in the first place, words have little comfort. As a matter of fact in most circumstances, words only make the situation worse (or was the Cold War a battle over air conditioners?).

No matter how you look at it, what you do, or where you go, there is only one unmistakable fact in the world today: unless we do something right now, we might as well pack for Mars because life as we know it here is doomed. But Mars won’t solve these problems. We’ll just pack up our suitcase of chaos and take them with us (like the shampoo and soap you get in hotels). They’re like an American Express Card: we can’t leave home without them.

Now, whether or not you care about these "little inconveniences" has no effect on me. If you, from reading this article, feel so inspired that you quit school to start your own "World Changing Organization," well then good on you. Make sure you wave to the cameras when you are arrested at the Group of Eight Summit in Kananaskis. However, if you feel that you are merely one among billions and adopt the "what you do makes no difference" attitude then good luck with that. I am sure that one day, McDonald’s will give you that free burger you always wanted.

Personally, I see either end of the spectrum as the extremes. Moderation is the key to life–along with ketchup, as it goes with so many things. Seriously, you have to adopt a "Crunch ‘n’ Munch" attitude to reality. To that end you must have a little salt in your life, but don’t be afraid to add a little sugar. Too much of either will ruin the flavour and the odds of you hurling it across the room are pretty good. Nevertheless, just the thought of people imagining their lives as a piece of popcorn does "burn" my curiosity.

And so, I leave you with this. People can moderate their lives in so many ways. In my situation, I will be writing cynical, imaginative, yet somewhat sarcastic diatribes about existence. They are meant to be humourous and it basically gives me a chance to rant and rave about some inconceivable dilemma I have encountered yet again in my life. For your enjoyment however, these thought provoking yet paranoid realizations may appear weekly in the AP section of the Gauntlet (until they recognize that I’m part of an alien conspiracy to brainwash you all) but the odds of that happening are worse than the odds of the Flames winning the Stanley Cup.

I, for one, am all for public input as the voice of the people must be heard (unless your name is George W. Bush; there are pigs that are more articulate). So, if you are one of those who are reading this article, and as you do, lightning strikes your brain–no metal rods, that’s cheating–by all means I would like to hear from you.

Any ideas, suggestions, comments, complaints or wedding proposals can be sent to jonathandurant@hotmail.com, and I will assure you some sort of response (in most circumstances, all wedding proposals require a picture and criminal background check first.) Nonetheless, if I do use your idea in a article, you’ll get the satisfaction that I did. (What did you think you’d get, a new car?) Anyway, I shouldn’t overstay my welcome. Just remember that life can throw some unexpected curves at you.

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