Clubs sandwich

By Phil Serchuk

Clubs week is a very busy time for students. With classes just beginning, many students have trouble juggling study time, social time and work time. Clubs week places the additional burden of forcing you to spend time listening to sales pitches from clubs you’re not even interested in. As a service to readers, the Gauntlet decided to look at some of the lesser-known clubs which you may not have found time to hear about last week.

The Official SU Fan Club

Official Word: "Love your elected representatives?" Well, 1.7 per cent of you do and this is the club for you! Now you can join your fellow students in officially worshipping your SU reps.

Buzz: Who says you need to be elected to get power and influence? Get with the 21st century and sleep your way to the top!

The Good: Barb Wright action figures, kick-ass offices and Breakfast with Barb five days a week!

The Bad: The free "I § SU" T-shirts must be worn daily to maintain membership.

Bottom Line: Action figures, politics, and T-shirts, oh my!

Lonely Persons Club

Official Word: New to the university? Entering your fourth lonely year? It doesn’t matter who you are, as long as you need a friend! Your $10 membership gets you a new buddy in a class of your choice! Now you too can act like a normal, sociable person without having any real personality!

Buzz: As a member you’re entitled to have one "friend" sit within a three-desk radius of you in a class of your choice. Each membership you pay for gets you a new friend! Where else can just $50 make you Mr. Popular?

The Good: $10 is much cheaper than a prostitute.

The Bad: It’s not as much fun.

Bottom Line: And you thought nobody wanted to play with you.

Beautiful Strangers

Official Word: Overwhelmed by all the cute guys and girls on campus? Wish you could hook up with those beautiful strangers in a safe, hassle-free environment? Now you can! All you horny lookers and gawkers on campus can come together and enjoy one another in a fun and naughty environment. Undergarments are optional.

Buzz: Admit it. Twenty per cent of your day is spent ogling the eye candy on campus. Now you don’t have to look away.

The Good: Each membership comes with a 50 per cent off coupon to give to that cute girl or guy you’ve been looking at all month. Makes a great icebreaker!

The Bad: Campus security has already doubled its staff for the club’s "Lot 10 au natural" Thursday night romps.

Bottom Line: Where do we sign?

Atheist Coalition

Official Word: Come together and share the atheist gospel with fellow non-believers! Icons such as shrines, crosses, menorahs, and Star Trek merchandise may all be brought in to help us in our study of religious icons and artifacts.

Buzz: We couldn’t find anyone who could tell us what exactly this club will do.

The Good: Short meetings, religious studies exam database and 10 per cent discounts on all hardcover Ayn Rand novels purchased through

The Bad: A club dedicated to disproving everyone else’s sacred beliefs. You’ll look like an ass.

Bottom Line: Biweekly bingo tournaments with the Intervarsity Christian Fellowship promise to be the highlight of this club’s social calendar.

Men for the Elimination of Discrimination in Female-Dominated Careers

Official Word: Male workers of the world, unite! Any steward, nurse, secretary or other professional in a female-dominated career who has a penis understands the pain and alienation we feel. Now you can share your pain with others like you.

Buzz: Can you feel the love? We sure can.

The Good: Peer support, job opportunities, and discounts on aprons and European-style book bags.

The Bad: Constant bickering with Women in Science and Engineering over the challenges faced by men in female-dominated careers vs. the challenges of women in male-dominated careers has given this club a turbulent beginning.

Bottom Line: You’d rather listen to a married couple go at it than listen to the debates between WISE and MEDFDC.

Students for Better Lunches

Official Word: Tired of the same Vienna Deli junk? Love Me Tenders not turnin’ your crank? If you think we need more food on campus, you’re not alone! A recent survey of Dinos offensive linemen found that 98 per cent favoured increasing the variety of campus food services. Lobby today for a better tomorrow.

Buzz: Does campus really need the colonel? Happy meals? Engineering students running around wearing Burger King crowns? Absolutely.

The Good: It’s finger-lickin’ good.

The Bad: Happy meals are only available for ages 12 and under.

Bottom Line: Five dollars is a small price for a better tomorrow.

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