Just when you thought you were safe

By Ruth Davenport

The weekly meetings of the Students’ Legislative Council are a hyperchronically under-attended affair. Typically, the only people in the room are the councillors themselves and a few stalwart reporters from the Gauntlet. We feel this is a shameful state of affairs. Not only are students missing the opportunity to keep their student representatives accountable but sometimes they miss quality entertainment. In an effort to inspire interest and/or concern among the student body, it is our pleasure to present some of the highlights–taken from the verbatim minutes–showcasing the bizarre, the grotesque and the downright funny from the first two-thirds of this governance year. No quotes from December and later are available because, well, the council’s been too "busy" to approve the minutes; and two members of council got their own sections due to their prolific nature of making notable comments. So please read, learn, shudder and sometimes… enjoy.

David Rassin, External Commissioner

• July 17 – Club food resolution:

"Let’s say that my club wants to put together a lunch meeting so we book a room and I bring something like a giant monster eggplant. Can I share that monster eggplant with my friends? No, I can’t. Is that because of this regulation or some other regulation? How can I give monster eggplant to my friends?"

• Sept. 25 – Attendance policy discussion:

"The important thing about the attendance procedure policy is because it is a way for us to get rid of undesirable people. The people who are here as freeloaders, here for the parking passes, here for the glamour and the women. If we were to add perks, such as the Den perks that Mr. Counsell is really trying to railroad through here, we would not be able to…"

Speaker: "Thank you Mr. Rassin, sit down." (Ed. note – that’s what we call a booyah!)

• Oct. 2 – Den discussion:

"Everybody has more encounters with the Den. It’s our most visible service. Walrus. It may be even the best thing we do except look for walruses and I hope we can do something about that."

• Oct. 9 – Question period, in response to queries on his recent purchase:

"This is a large costume, with a big potbelly and ears and… it’s adorable, it really is. Looks good on me. No, no… many of the women in the mall came up and petted me. While I was wearing the costume. And there’s a little soundbox in the paw and it says ‘I am Winnie the Pooh. I’ve got a rumbly in my tumbly.’"

• Oct. 23 – Commissioner reports:

"We had a CalFASA meeting the other day that went very well. We were going to go through… you’re making me nervous. Barbara is making me nervous."

• Nov. 27 – BoG tuition presentation preview:

"Many stupid people, just like many talented people, this isn’t… they happen to have very little money. That’s not an intelligence or stupidity thing, many people have very little money. Except when stupid peole have very little money, they’re really in a jam. Because they don’t know how to raise the money, how to go through the complicated student loan system, how to apply for scholarships and grants. By keeping tuition high and the system complicated, we manage to keep the stupid out of our universities."

• March 26 – Question period, in response to a request for written reports on his activities at the CASA lobby conference in Ottawa:

"I’m going to hide behind my unaccountability."

Greg Hovdebo, former Clubs Committee Chair

• June 17 – Clubs Chair report:

"I found out, however, that the Greeks are not Hellenic individuals, they’re actually frat boys. Much to my chagrin."

• Sept. 18:

"Tolstoy would be shaking in his boots had he not lost them in the Bolshevik revolution and died sometime thereafter."

• Oct. 2:

"I’d like you to please send me notes voting on the following methods of reporting. Interpretative dance, singing a Greek chorus–of course I’ll get the Fijis to help with this–a video of me in front of a burning effigy of me, a summation of my report in book form, that is the proper eighteenth-century book form while a large breasted lady rides either sidesaddle or western saddle–I haven’t decided yet–on an eight-legged horse shooting fire from its mouth or a Shetland pony. Any other suggestions are welcome."

• Oct. 23:

"It’s come to my attention that I’m not well. Which was brought forward to me by my bowels."

Fear and loathing

• Aug. 28 – Referendum questions:

O. Bladek: "I’m scared that we’re going to tie our hands before that and something might happen… and then we’re screwed. And I don’t want to be screwed. It’s not fun on Tuesday nights to be screwed. Or Monday nights. Or Wednesday nights."

• Sept. 11 – Tuition action:

C. Kerr: "Don’t look at me like that, Mr. Speaker. I’m a person too. And I’m not just a nasty politician. Anyway, that’s debatable."

• Sept. 18 – Excuse Motion:

I. Enyedy: "I have to say I’m rather embarrassed about the fact that we can’t even accomplish a section of… something so miniscule over going to the bathroom and we’re staying here fighting over ourselves over something so ridiculous that I’m like thinking why am I in here. Why are we fighting certain situations when we can’t even deal with a bathroom visit? Like, this is stupid."

• Sept. 25 – Written executive reports discussion:

O. Ho: "Congratulations council, another excellent exemplification of our abilities in expediency. We may talk about and discuss efficiency, exemplification and management… have you looked at your watches lately?… we stand up and repeat ourselves and then other people repeat… each other. Very well done, very efficient."

• Oct. 2 – Den discussion:

A.Counsell: "There is an old saying, that if you pay peanuts, you get monkeys. The SU has already proven that theory to be true, in this case, and doesn’t need to embarrass itself any further."

Just plain funny

• June 5 – Executive Cabinet Commissioner Representative nomination:

N. Vuckovic: "I just need a little bit of elaboration, what is HR in camera? I’m not… this is… I’m confused."

Shinerama discussion:

O. Bladek: "I’m wondering if Ms. Wright would shave her head in order to participate in this fundraiser for cystic fibrosis?"

B. Wright: "Students don’t want me to shave my head." (Ed. note: We would’ve been okay with that!)

• July 3 – Verbal announcements:

O. Bladek: "Mr. Speaker, I’m going to tell a quick joke that was reiterated to me by Ms. Wright. How does Mr. Rassin kill himself? He climbs to the top of his ego and jumps off."

• Aug. 28 – Executive reports:

N. Porco: "… and finally, the Academic portfolio suffered a couple of blows with resignations and I would just like to stress that it is not me they’re running away from. I promise you."

• Sept. 11 – Executive reports:

B. Wright: "And then when we were throwing out frisbees into the crowd I decided to trip and fall in front of 5,000 first-year students. I’ve been mocked accordingly, no need to bring it up ever again. The same with the kissing scene, thank you very much."

• Nov. 6 – Tuition decision:

A. Counsell: "Mr. Speaker, I don’t know who it is, but I think someone’s trying to insult what little intelligence I have."

Just plain "huh?"

• May 22 – Executive reports:

C. Kerr: "If you have any questions, come and talk to me. Oh, and I can teach you how to shine shoes. That in a more personal meeting if you prefer. I’ll even show you the shoe shining material."

• Aug. 14 – Tuition action:

D. Wojtaszek: "The answer to your question, Mr. Rassin, is dinosaurs. And I’ll tell you why. Why is the answer dinosaurs? Becuase that money does not come from taxpayers, that money comes from oil in the ground, which comes from dinosaurs."

• Sept. 25 – Discussion on written executive reports:

D. Wojtaszek: "Having a Stam-baugh moment. As we all know, Mr. Stambaugh occasionally stands up here and tries to have an epiphany and often he strikes out."

Verbal announcements:

O. Bladek: "Thank you Mr. Speaker and toot toot… toot toot."

• Nov. 27 – Executive reports:

C. Kerr: "… so next Sunday we’ll have the American Pie I and II and the first 50 people through the door will get a free slice of apple pie. Personally "mashed" by me."

True irony

• July 3 – Executive reports:

O. Bladek: "You are sitting on one of the best five student governments in the country." (Ed. note: We pity the rest.)