Nerds and China

By Kyle Young

The latest twist in China’s long and sordid saga of human rights violations occurred today when President Jiang Zemin turned the tables on the Western powers, accusing several nations – Canada among them – of systematically repressing a widely practiced and accepted religious belief system, that of the Jedi.

"Ever since Star Wars first emerged, it has had a large underground following," explains Zemin. "To deny these devoted followers of the Force the same rights as any other religion is blatant persecution!"

Though little response has yet been given by the Western nations, Amnesty international was quick to second China’s concerns.

"The governments of these nations are denying recognition for the Jedi," stated spokesman Skyler Kaw. "They are effectively repressing their culture and depriving them of their basic human rights."

"I’ve been saying this for years," voiced George Lucas, originator of the Jedi movement and leader of one of the larger United Jedi Chapters. "Every time we’ve petitioned for recognition, ‘the Powers that Be’ would act as though they don’t take us seriously. In actual fact, I believe that they’re simply afraid of what a consolidated Jedi presence might mean."

Chinese Foreign Ministry spokesman Kong Quan also spoke out against the Jedi repression.

"They [the West] like to go on with their moral posturing while they permit this dark travesty to occur within their own borders. We will no longer sit idly by as a target for international criticism while the West allows this atrocity to continue." No elaboration was offered as to what exactly the Minister intended to do.

"I think it’s obvious," comments Political Science professor Owin Bikon of Abe University. "If the Chinese manage to rouse the Jedi community enough, they could feasibly cause a fissure within Western society’s technology driven markets. Divide and conquer, it’s that simple."

While some might dismiss Professor Bikon’s claims as extreme, it is important to bear in mind that a remarkably large percentage of software engineers and computer scientists do in fact belong to the United Jedi Church.

"Oh, definitely, we have Silicon Valley in our pocket," explains Lucas. "It’s all part of our larger plan to gain influence and thereby recognition. Currently we have roughly 73 per cent of the computer specialist population as committed UJC members. The remaining 27 per cent is largely composed of disaffected Trekkies."

Although the intentions of the Chinese government are as yet undetermined, their recent actions have already caused a noticeable run in the nylons of some Western social hubs. With Jedi pride parades already scheduled in San Francisco, and rumours of riot in London and Seattle, there remains no doubt that China has in fact set the ball rolling on a series of events that will carry with it grave implications for all of the Western nations.

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