Everyone grab a pen and paper. Whether you’re a fifth-year General Studies “student” or a frosh you must take this survey to assert your humanity in all its glory.
1. Wearing your high school football jacket at the U of C is considered:
a. heoric
b. somewhat suave
c. asinine
2. You can find Pepsi everywhere on campus because:
a. it is fizzy and delicious
b. they have a beverage monopoly
c. the U of C is morally bankrupt
3. The Den’s decor is:
a. unsettling
b. damp, but comfortable
c. stunningly super-fantastic
4. "Frosh" stands for:
a. Finally rid of school horror
b. Frisky rabbits only somewhat hornier
c. Foolish runts on spastic high
5. Tuition is:
a. reasonably priced, according to mumsy
b. somewhat overbearing
c. Machiavellian, no, Orwellian
6. Students who sit in the front row:
a. learn more
b. cannot fall asleep as easily
c. fool no-one and fail anyway
7. Professors who smile at you:
a. have forged a special bond
b. like the fact that you’re awake
c. desire your young, fresh body
8. Profs are generally:
a. intimidating in their wisdom
b. dressed funny
c. consistantly reevaluating their life choices
9. Tommy Hilfiger:
a. makes fine threads
b. costs lots of money
c. likes going to thailand but doesn’t like the people
10. Complete this sentence, "The Dinos:"
a. "are extinct reptiles."
b. "rule the universe."
c. "better win something this year or else I’m transferring to the U of A."
11. I would give you my left arm to see:
a. N’Sync
b. Led Fuckin’ Zeppelin
c. Betty Garble nude
12. What is CJSW?
a. C-JAY rocks
b. It plays today’s best music
c. A station staffed by poorly-dressed leftists (who play today’s best music)
13. I will graduate:
a. after four perfect, special years
b. probably in five or six years
c. when they offer me tenure
14. The couches are stained with:
a. Tea. Earl Grey. Hot.
b. sweat from lots of hard studying action
c. love
Every "a" is worth 0 points, every "b" 1 point, and every "c" 2 points. Anyone with ten points or less is frosh. Better wise up. Anyone with 20 or more is a grizzled veteran with a long white beard and pills for their heart condition. The first person to bring their completed survey to the Gauntlet (MSC 319) wins a kiss from our pet monkey, Mr. Screechy.