Report Cards: Mens Soccer

By Kris Kotarski


To be perfectly honest, the men’s soccer team deserves a C. They were streaky, they got my hopes up like a prom-night limo ride, and inevitably, they came fourth in a four horse race.

“But there are seven teams in the Canada West Conference,” you say.


Trinity Western is hardly a team. And Lethbridge? Who did they beat? Oh wait… the Dinos. Hence the C.

There’s also a team in Saskatchewan, but they aren’t any good either. Who did they beat? Oh wait… the Dinos. Ah… copy and paste.

So the Dinos played well against the big dogs but had mixed success with the puppies. In the end, they came in fourth in the conference, but to their credit, they did so with a rookie-laden squad and an absolute lunatic in tight pants berating them from the sidelines.

“The Dinos had a stalker?” You ask.

No. They have a coach. His name is Andy Gibbs and his coaching style is banned by UN resolution 1443. It’s effective–the Dinos did make the playoffs–but it also leaves deep emotional scars.

Anyhow, on to the grade. Why does it say B- up top when I keep insisting they deserve a C? Three reasons.

Firstly, fifth-year fullback Brian Newmarch should have won Canada West Player of the Year. He didn’t, because fullbacks don’t win awards. He raises us up to a C+.

Secondly, Matt Houston. The most popular man on campus needs a self-esteem boost. He gets us to the B-/C+ range.

Finally, they get the B- because no other team on campus ever got my Sports Editor in trouble with the law. These guys not only achieved this dubious honour, they’re also charming enough that he doesn’t hold it against them.

I guess neither can I.

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