By James Keller
It’s been almost a month since I was named Third Sexiest Man in Calgary in Fast Forward’s Best of Calgary Survey, and boy how my life has changed.
In case you haven’t heard (which I doubt, as Fast Forward is the biggest [read: only] entertainment weekly in town), I was named Third Sexiest Man in Calgary. There I sat, calm, cool and collected, below the seemingly unbeatable Dar Maqbool (also named Worst Dressed and Third Most Embarrassing Calgarian), and the delightful Dave Kelly, both of A-Channel fame.
Now, you might discount this whole "democratic" process as defunct and void, but if you need proof, just ask the ladies (and hoards of ladies there certainly are). In the words of the late, well, I’m not sure who: "The proof is in the pudding." For clarification: I would be the pudding–or at least the proof that sits within the pudding. Either way, I’m delicious.
The point is in the time it took Calgary to read that one issue, I went from a humble and unknown student to a celebrity–an upstart, just waiting to claim the life that is rightfully mine.
Now, I won’t lie and say the battle has been easy. There have been a few stumbling blocks, put forward by the tyranny of the jealous minority. There have been obstacles to overcome.
Case-in-fact: I was listening to a certain more-talk-no-rock radio station on my AM dial the week it all blew up, and they were, like hundreds of thousands of others, discussing the results of the survey.
After much delay, they arrived at the sexiest people category. The interviewee went on to list all three sexy women (and sexy they were) without a second thought, but imagine my surprise–indeed, my horror–as only the top two sexiest men were listed for the listening public. For shame!
An open offer to said radio station: An exclusive one-on-one interview with the Third Sexiest Man, scooping even the CBC.
But this isn’t a death blow, just a simple annoyance. And make no mistake: I will prevail. Next year, we go for number one.
In closing, I would like to thank all the brilliant and beautiful souls who voted for me. I couldn’t have done it without you. To those who said it couldn’t be done, never again will you doubt a sexy man with a dream.