Break a Leg

The scene opens with YOU, bewildered
and confused. Stage right, the Performing Arts Centre. Stage left, the
Pumphouse Theatres. Other venues emerge.
YOU are in the world of theatre. YOU stand center stage, lost.

YOU:
But where do I go? What will I like?

WORLD OF THEATRE: Enough shameless allegory. Let’s get on with the show.

[Calgary theatre companies enter stage left, assume tableau positions. The season
opens.]



THEATRE CALGARY is
a large figure, dominating smaller theatre companies with crushing renditions
of old favourites.

THEATRE CALGARY: Don’t
cry for me Argentina but God bless us everyone, Stella!

SEASON LINEUP: [Enter select few.]The Diary of Anne Frank
by Frances Goodrich and Albert Hackett, an unforgettable story of one girl’s
account of the Holocaust. [Oct. 21–Nov. 16.] A Christmas Carol by Charles
Dickens, Ebenezer Scrooge  learns
the true meaning of Christmas. [Nov. 19–Dec. 13.]

[Exeuent.]


LOOSE MOOSE hangs
from the rafters, once again without a home, without a regular schedule of
performances, but with a will to continue
successful years as the hub of Calgary’s theatre improvisation scene.

LOOSE MOOSE: Beyond
the walls of the Garry Theatre, we stir. We continue to do performances for
special events, and we can be spotted at various theatre locations on a
temporary basis.

[Enter one moose
antler stage left, then another,
then a loose moose and
IMPROVALOOZA!]

IMPROVALOOZA: Micetro
Impro, Theatre Sports, Gorilla Theatre and that’s not all. Never the same
experience twice, except for the consistent high energy that keeps it alive. [Sept.
23–Oct. 4 at the New Dance Theatre.]

[Exeuent.]


LUNCHBOX THEATRE,
short and sweet. You never know what’s for lunch.

LUNCHBOX THEATRE: It’s
lunchtime and you’ve got about one act to kill. Is it time for you to go down
to Lunchbox Theatre and watch a play while you unpack your brown paper bag?
Yes, it is.

SEASON LINEUP: [Enter
select few.]
Outside by Neil
Fleming, where love, thievery and voodoo combine for comedic lunchtime fun.
[Oct. 6–25.]Truth Factory by
Scott Sharplin, the newsmakers behind supermarket tabloids send reality into a
tailspin while you eat your sandwich. [Nov. 3–22.]

[Six tiny PETRO-CANADA STAGE ONE PLAYS enter stage
left.]

PETRO-CANADA STAGE ONE
PLAYS: Six new one-act plays over a 13-day run, from April 26–May 8.

[Exeuent.]


GROUND ZERO THEATRE stirs
in its Seven Year Itch season, fitting somewhere between young rebel and Jedi
Master. GZT deals
with social and popular culture while bridging the gap between the educational
and professional worlds.

GROUND ZERO THEATRE:
We pride ourselves on appealing to an audience between 14 and 82. If you like philosophical
debates, class struggles, pornography and massage parlors, you’re one of us.

SEASON LINEUP: [Enter
select few.]
Paranoia by the
Wind-Up-Dames. Fears and phobias open the doorway to the minds of two sexy,
sexy ladies. [Oct. 22–Nov. 1.] Pervert
by Stephen Massicotte. This one involves pornography, the type you get in
an video store. Need we say more?
[May 2004.]

[In the distance, an energetic TEN-MINUTE PLAY
FESTIVAL works feverishly to improvise under the gun.
The horn blows and actors race stage left.]

TEN-MINUTE PLAY
FESTIVAL: A hodgepodge of sweat, tears and brilliance bubbles from competing
groups vying for supremacy in a marathon of semi-improvisation. In conjunction
with One Yellow Rabbit’s High Performance Rodeo, Jan. 2004.

[Exeuent.]


ALBERTA THEATRE PROJECTS
produces new and contemporary plays from across Canada and around the world.
What began as a children’s theatre company in 1972 is now a Calgary theatre giant.

ALBERTA THEATRE
PROJECTS: We don’t do dead playwrights. If you’re hip, smart, sophisticated and
wear the funkiest eyeglasses available, you’ll fit right in.

SEASON LINEUP: [Enter
select few.]
Who’s
Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
by Edward Albee. Disturbing.
Brutally funny. The essence of a modern-day romance.
[Oct. 14–Nov. 1.] The Shape of Things by Neil LaBute, a contemporary play that has caused a huge stir the
world over. The scene unfolds at a college campus where an unconventional love
affair shocks, thrills and betrays. [April 13–May 1]

[From the curtains
emerge four talented Canadians, itching for a chance on center stage. Enter
ATP NATIONAL PLAYRITES FESTIVAL.]

ATP NATIONAL PLAYRITES
FESTIVAL: A presentation of the original works of four Canadian playwrights in
an intense six-week run. [Jan. 27–March 7.]

[Exeuent.]


THEATRE JUNCTION
produces contemporary, classical and new Canadian works that speak to
imaginative, inquiring and demanding minds.

THEATRE JUNCTION: We
aim for an eclectic mix of contemporary Canadian plays and international
classics. Founded 12 years ago by
University of Calgary students, the history of Theatre Junction is a great
success story of young, inexperienced students who, with fierce dedication in
the face of many, many obstacles, created a well-respected theatre company that
has changed the Calgary theatre landscape.

SEASON LINEUP: [Enter
select few.]
The
Constant Wife
by Somerset Maugham, a period British comedy about
infidelity [Sept. 24–Oct. 25.]Boy Gets Girl by
Rebecca Gilman, a modern American thriller exploring the dark side of sex in the city. [Nov.19
–Dec. 13.]

[Suddenly, from off
stage, a rambunctious
SEASON HIGHLIGHT bursts
on stage.]

SEASON HIGHLIGHT:
Random Acts, a three-day mini-festival of original Calgary works in progress.
March 4–6.

[Exeuent.]


VERTIGO MYSTERY
THEATRE is Canada’s only professional, live mystery theatre. VMT has provided Calgary with a legal venue
for murder, blood and mystery since 1967.

VERTIGO MYSTERY
THEATRE: It’s all about the whodunit here at Vertigo. If you’re a fan of Six Feet Under, you’ll like us. If you like City Confidential, you’ll adore us. If you adore 100 per cent pure entertainment, you’ll die
for us.

SEASON LINEUP: [Enter
select few.]
Chimneys by the great
Agatha Christie. Sources say this may be the first ever production of this
play, which has been lost for over 70
years. Intrigued? [Oct. 11–Nov. 9.] Innocent Blood by local playwright Nicole Zylstra,
adapted from the 19th century novel Carmilla
by Sheridan LeFanu. As female vampires skillfully suck blood from their
helpless victims, we pleasantly ask: what blood type are you? [May 15–June 16.]

[Slowly, the sky
darkens and the Science Centre is overshadowed by a larger, taller structure.
CALGARY TOWER enters center stage.]

CALGARY TOWER: Don’t
be fooled by the conservative location, beneath the tall mushroom lies a
cauldron of blood, gore, and mystery, bwahaha!

[Exeuent.]


ONE YELLOW RABBIT
is a theatrical voice that is experimental yet professional, challenging yet
captivating. “Performance theatre.”

ONE YELLOW RABBIT:
From a musical account of the life of a tragic jazz icon to monologues about
customer response cards at Wendy’s,
consistently delivers theatre that goes beyond the mainstream.

SEASON LINEUP: [Enter select few.] Letters
to Wendy’s
, based on the book by Joe Wenderoth, revelation and customer
response cards all in the same play. Adapted from the novel of the same name. [Nov.
4–9.]
Balancing Acts, Calgary’s third
annual disability arts festival. [Dec.1–7.]

[Enter HIGH PERFORMANCE RODEO, whooping and
yelling on the back of a giant rabbit.]

HIGH PERFORMANCE
RODEO: A festival of new and experimental theatre, running from Jan. 7–Feb. 1. An extravaganza of emerging and established artists mucking around in the Big Secret Theatre.

[Exeuent.]



We would like to thank, in no particular order, One Yellow
Rabbit, Alberta Theatre Projects, Theatre Calgary, Theatre Junction, Vertigo
Mystery Theatre, and Ground Zero Theatre for providing the Gauntlet with witty and sharp answers to specific questions.

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