Local man is tuition cad

Having a place to put your chewed gum is more important than preventing a massive tuition hike–at least to fourth-year University of Calgary student Chris “Full Monty” Walker, it is.

In a move as nonchalant as it was dastardly, the former John G. Diefenbaker High School Student Council President single-handedly destroyed the Students’ Union’s major tuition initiative Mon., Dec. 1.

As this reporter looked on in disbelief, Walker took one of the informational leaflets which had been carefully placed on the tables in the MacEwan Student Centre food court and spit his gum into it. Adding insult to injury, he then proceeded to discard the sullied leaflet in a nearby waste bin.

Incredibly, Walker was not ashamed of his actions, boasting it was a common practice.

“What?” asked the clearly mad Walker. “I do this all the time. I don’t [not] enjoy [defrauding the elderly and] eating [small children] with gum in my mouth.”

As a result of Walker’s calculated and treasonous act, many students will never hear about the tuition protest planned for Fri., Dec. 5. The protest, set to begin an hour after the start of the Board of Shadowy Figures (also known as the Board of Governors) meeting, is now almost certainly doomed to fail.

Fortunately, the many waffles eaten against tuition this week will still be digested by students, and their precious food energy stored as fat. Only time will tell if this increased student mass will be sufficient to create the desired gravitational surge and draw more funding from the capital.

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