All their food looks the same!

By Alan Cho

I have a problem with Asian food.

No, I’m not affiliated with notoriously racist groups like the KKK or pop icons LFO. I don’t have a problem with the Asian peoples. I actually live with a few of them (I’m pretty sure both my parents and siblings are Asian). I’ve grown accustomed to their alien language and obscure cultural customs (I’ll take off my goddamn shoes when I goddamn feel like it, mother) but I’m particular about the food, self-conscious, you might say.

When I’m out with people (and that’s "people" and not my "peoples") and someone suggests we should have Chinese food for lunch, things get a little awkward.

There’s no shame involved or anything, it’s just, I’ve lived my life as an Asian male who refuses to embrace all those racial stereotypes y’all probably attributed to me when you noticed the author of this article. It took me years to finally break down and get a cell phone and my first year of university was spent unlearning math.

Chinese food? What? Do I look like I eat Chinese food? Motherfucker, I ain’t even Chinese. What am I? Yeah I’ll tell, so you can start to persecute me. What do you mean one railroad wasn’t enough? So I’m not telling. I shall remain a non-descript Asian to you, thank you very much.

Why is it that people (and when I say "people," I mean white people) automatically assume I’m Chinese and can read their tattoo. Me so solly, me can’t read your wanky, new-age tattoo, you fucking John Tesh-listenin’ hippie!

I’m, I’m so sorry, I don’t know what happened there. I don’t hate white people. There are great white comedians and great white athletes. Sometimes I take the bus and I wish there were more white people on it. It’s just that for someone who vehemently denies his Asian culture and heritage with such extreme prejudice soley to avoid being entrapped by a stereotype, the only alternative is to embrace the negative. So, by identifying myself as a non-white–my God, I’ve made a breakthrough!

It’s funny how you sit down to write a restaurant review, but in the end, set upon the road of self-actualization. Oh right, the restaurant review.

Uh, hmmm, sometimes Chinese food is good, sometimes it isn’t. It depends on where you go.

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