Editor, the Gauntlet,
Re: “Barski taking SU election to review board,” Mar. 4, 2004.
Dear Barski, et. al,
I wish to congratulate you and your colleagues, over the past few weeks you’ve all proven you would make lovely Republicans. Whining of such a magnitude should never go unrecognized. Stirring up all this election controversy is superb. Calling the electorate “nerds” while claiming that Barski is not a “jock” is a brilliant strategy–the effectiveness is all in the paradox.
It’s true, the “downtime” that occurred did mean less votes for you. I heard someone outside the voting booth say “well, I was going to vote Barski but the computers are down… I guess I’ll come back in a few hours and vote for someone else. Sucka!”
I tried to warn them “if you don’t vote for him, he’ll cry!” However, like all complacent university students, the Gauntlet had already corrupted their minds.
Gauntlet hegemony is really getting out of hand, we should immediately petition for strict media censorship. From now on, the Gauntlet should enthusiastically support all SU hopefuls.
Other magnificent achievements include you not even being an elected member of the SU and yet you are already doing an admirable job wasting money. Calling for an independent audit–brilliant!
However, one line concerns me: “fuck you, read the Calgary Herald.” That line is a bit juvenile. It is extremely important for your colleagues to help you manage your image. For PR purposes, try “I am not available for comment, see Calgary Herald”–if you insist on advertising your favourite source of neo-liberal dogma. However, if you say The Globe and Mail it will make you sound smarter–mostly because of the extra words, not the paper’s content.
Honestly though, I am confused about what reading other newspapers has to do with not commenting. In a pinch, uttering something rude under your breath is perfectly acceptable, but try to be out of earshot.
Actually, I suggest a coup d’etat. Hell, it worked for Napoleon. We could avoid all this election scandal next year by not holding an election. Viva la dictatorship!