By Greg Ellis
“Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools.”
-Albert Einstein
Therapists tell you that letting things build up is dangerous and not conducive to good mental health. As such, I intend to stand proud on my Gauntlet soapbox and rant on anything and everything I find unagreeable. Since you would rather read the paper than study, read these complaints and grievances before you watch Desperate Housewives.
Future Shop salespeople
Look, I know the job doesn’t pay that well but when I say no to your piece-of-shit warranty plan I mean it! I just bought a pair of earphones for $60 and you are offering me a warranty for $45? I may look stupid, but no one’s that stupid. By the time I would exercise the warranty the earphones will be worth as much as stale sausage. No means no, assholes. Or haven’t you taken sexual harassment sensitivity training?
Dirty public washrooms
Public washrooms bring out the inner two year old in some of us–“No one’s around so I better make a mess!” Smarten up. Flush the toilet, and if you piss on the seat clean it up, assface.
The Black Eyed Peas
“What you gon’ do with all that junk?/All that junk inside your trunk?/ I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk/Get you love drunk off my hump/My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump/My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps. (Check it out).”
I refuse to check anything of yours out, you sell-out, inane, piece of shit group. BEP makes up for their pathetic music by parading around the semi-retarded yet highly attractive Fergie like a midget in a circus tent. Look we have a hot white girl, so go buy our album and lose all remaining shreds of self respect!
Clubbing
You live in Calgary, you don’t drive an Escalade and when you jump from shitty cowboy bar to shitty cowboy bar across the city playing the same musical salad of top-40 crap you’re not clubbing, you’re wasting your money! Besides, it’s an offensive term used to describe the slaughter of baby seals. Baby seals are cute. You in those pocket-less jeans, tight shirts and rinestones are not.
Quotation hand gesture used during conversation
I know you think you are witty, but you’re not. I don’t need a hand reference to understand what your saying. Keep your hands in your pockets and play with your balls.
Eminem
You suck. You obnoxious, loud-mouthed, moron. You owe your success to Dr. Dre and can’t rap worth anything. Keep maintaining your controversy to keep you famous because of your unfortunate dearth of talent.
Cell phones
Look, no one’s impressed that you got a call on your cell-phone so turn off that insufferable ring tone and get a life. Try talking to people around you rather than on the phone.
Text messaging
For 2006 this is what pisses me off the most, particularly because it is spreading like cancer. If you insist on using the cell phone, here is a novel idea: call people. Don’t fumble around and try to type your buddy a message that reads like a four year old’s letter to Santa Clause. “Well you see I could call him, but in lieu of that I am going to sit here like a brain dead moron and stumble for 50 seconds as I type ‘h-e-l-l-o!’ Hail technology!
Spam
Look, my penis is fine, I am not impotent and I am not the long lost relative of a Nigerian king. And no, you can’t have my bank account information and no I won’t fill out your survey. I would rather go shopping in a Mexican border town pharmacy than shop for drugs on the internet. And no, you’re not clever by making the subject lines”re:” to make me think I sent you an email first. Can’t Bill Gates fix this for good?
Airlines, airports, airline industry
I cannot stand how long every-thing takes at an airport. I should not have to be there three hours before my flight either. Airlines need a lesson from Wal-Mart in efficiency. Look, at the security checkpoint let’s use a little common sense too. Don’t wave the metal detector wand over my bare arm for two and half minutes, Ray Charles. Next, fellow passengers try and load your carry on luggage in less than 22 minutes, you’re holding up the line.
Banks
This is a perennial thing that pisses me off. We know you enjoy oligopoly status here in Canada but could any bank besides TD Canada Trust stay open longer than 4 p.m.? For God’s sake you open at 10 a.m. you close at 4pm and the staff takes an hour for lunch… Tough job.
FCUK Clothes
Why would you ever, ever, take a wonderful word like fuck and mess with it? Those shirts are not cool, funny or nice. You are paying for the bastardization of a great word. Go to hell.
The Big Idea With Donny Deutsch
The TV show has around three guests it perpetually runs. Believe me, after hearing what Ted Nugent has to say45 times, it’s not that exciting or shocking anymore. Donny my man, weren’t you are member of New Kids on The Block? Go fcuk your hat.
Osama Bin Laden
I am so sick and tired of this jagoff it’s not even funny. Watching you and your fellow human waste running with M-16’s and playing on monkey bars in the desert is nauseating. Plus your amateur porn quality video productions are silly, useless and irritating. Get a life, assface.
Ernesto “Che” Guevara T-Shirts
Hey dickhead, I know you think that T-Shirt is cool, but have you any idea who the guy is on the front? I didn’t think so. Go get a FCUK shirt, shithead!