Decoding the Bush vernacular

By Greg Ellis

Poor President Bush is always a victim of the spin and filter of a left-wing media. Sometimes quotes from the greatness of a president need translation into layman terms. For anyone and everyone ever confused by the oratory greatness of George W. Bush, here is a helpful guide. The quotes below are word for word from the mouth of the leader of the world’s most powerful country. Be afraid.

“Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?”

In Texas, as Governor, Mr. Bush oversaw test scores consistently rise in K-12. But did they really rise or did they just go so low that they bounced? Keep asking such impudent questions and the terrorists will win.

“For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It’s just unacceptable. And we’re going to do something about it.”

Poor performance is unacceptable in any form. If you shoot, shoot to kill or don’t shoot at all. You didn’t see us miss Tikrit, Bagdad or Afghanistan. Bullets cost money, you know.

“One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.”

Did you ever read Cat in the Hat? Laura read it to me last week and those pictures were fantastic. Dr. Seuss loves America!

“It’s clearly a budget. It’s got a lot of numbers in it.”

Bush has a quick way to identify a situation beyond his scope: If it has more words than pictures in it. He can always draw on it, though.

“It’s going to require numerous IRA agents”

IRS? Never heard of them. No, I meant IRA agents. Those guys get it done.

“As governor of Texas, I have set high standards for our public schools, and I have met those standards.”

In math President Bush currently operates at a grade 7 level and sits at around a grade 2 reading level. But he is on the accelerated program!

“This case has had full analyzation and has been looked at a lot. I understand the emotionality of death penalty cases.”

Make that English at the kindergarten level.

“Will the highways on the internet become more few?”

If this is Mr. Bush’s attempt at poetry then Robert Frost is rolling in his grave. The question is pensive and forlorn, containing Mr. Bush’s trademark literary devices–contradiction and stupidity.

“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”

Such methods include, but are not limited to: The Patriot Act, wars in desert lands, unsustainable spending, imperial hubris etc.

“And if you’re interested in the quality of education and you’re paying attention to what you hear at Laclede, why don’t you volunteer? Why don’t you mentor a child how to read?”

When you’re finished do you mind helping me too?

“The fact that he relies on facts–says things that are not factual–are going to undermine his campaign.”

Facts. Who has time for those anyway?

“I think we agree, the past is over.”

I think we can also agree that the future has not occurred.

“Laura and I really don’t realize how bright our children is sometimes until we get an objective analysis.”

Sometimes President Bush asks: “Is our children adopted?”

“We ought to make the pie higher”

No really, higher! Mom, use to always say “pie in the sky” so the higher the better. Mmm… pie.

“I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.”

I hear Laura is into that kind of thing.

“Families is where our nation takes hope, where wings take dream?”

All your base are belong to us.

“I think anybody who doesn’t think I’m smart enough to handle this job is underestimating.”

I am nowhere near smart enough for this job. That’s where Dick comes in.