Fake News: Calgary Cats causing commotion

By Chuck Balls

Local thespians, flamboyant homosexuals and furries alike finally have a reason to celebrate as the seminal off-Broadway production, Cats the Musical, returns to our fair city next week for a highly anticipated run on nine shows. Though the run is paltry compared to the 8,949 shows the musical staged in London, many Calgarians are eagerly awaiting the show’s debut. Some, such as local furry and generally disturbing individual, Larry Balombolee, are even planning parties.

“We [the local furry community of Godless, depraved, librarians] have been waiting for this opportunity for years,” Balombolee said, returning to a casual stroll after relieving himself in a neighbour’s flower bed. “An occasion like this only happens once in awhile. To celebrate [the furries who chose the unattractive animals like voles, badgers and the always unpopular maimed, greasy weasel to imitate] are planning on catching opening night then returning to my house to masturbate furiously to the Discovery Channel.”

Despite all this merriment, and the promise of orgy after heathenistic orgy, not everyone in Calgary is pleased Cats the Musical is turning western Canada into its temporary litter-box. In fact, the Anti-Felinic Defamation League believes the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical should be banned from Calgary because they feel it perpetuates negative stereotypes of cats.

The league’s president, Mr.Boopsie, refused to comment to the Gauntlet, stating he was too busy lying down and contemplating how best to sink his claws into his master–or as he prefers to call him, stink-man–to respond. He did, however direct us to an official statement on the league’s website (www.mumbling-tugboat.co.ck).

“We, the Anti-Felinic Defamation League, adamantly oppose both Cats the Musical and any other musical based around our excellence not prominently featuring the French horn,” the statement read. “We feel this human atrocity is boring; inappropriately prejudiced towards our majesty; that it helps reinforce the commonly held stereotype amongst humans and racoons that cats are incapable of producing material with plot or focus, and that any cat would ever be so dumb as to want to join a tribe called the Jellicles. Real cat tribes employ such names as The Pointy Furies, Meow-Meow Kapow-pow, The Toddler Tacklers and Wow, Good Landing! We pledge to treat the world with nothing but ambivalence until this production is ceased.”

Despite the Anti-Felinic Defamation League’s radical views and claims at universality, many Calgary cats don’t feel as strongly about Cats. In fact, a local group of cats think the league has lost sight of the true issues facing the world’s felines and have become obsessed with defacing Cats simply because of its awful storytelling.

“Raow [the Anti-Felinic League has] hisc [lost touch with reality],” A local calico, Mittens, said after being lured down from atop a nearby bookshelf by a laser pointer. “Rrrrrr [Cats the Musical isn’t the modern day cat’s biggest concern anymore]. Fsst [What about the yearly increase in declawings?] Mew [What about encroachment from ferrets and hedgehogs?] Rewr [What about the fact that between 1986 and 2003 the percentage of people who consider cats to be nature’s ninjas declined 27 per cent? Why isn’t the League paying any attention to these issues?]”

Still others feel the League is wasting its time concerning itself with human affairs and that members need to reunite with the lazy, confused cat underneath the political sheen. The Puss, a popular model on the cat showcase, www.stuffonmycat.com expressed this point best by staring at the microphone for several minutes before swatting a paw at a nearby mosquito, causing a pile of power tools stacked perilously on her abdomen to clatter to the floor.

In response to this divisive issue, Balombolee remained enthusiastic. Donning a mask he mumbled something incoherently before unsuccessfully trying to lick his genitals until the Gauntlet’s reporters left.

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